How Felicity Finds

Author: faystephenson

  • Emotionally Based School Avoidance – All in the Mind?

    Emotionally Based School Avoidance – All in the Mind?

    Emotionally Based School Avoidance – All in the Mind?

    In comparison to the end of last week, when Sam visited his new school and spent some time in class. This week was the complete opposite. I knew very little about Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) until last year when Sam had issues accessing school. ESBA is a term used to describe children and young people who experience significant difficulties attending school due to negative emotions and anxieties.

    Here’s a breakdown of ESBA:

    • Emotional Triggers: Anxiety, fear, or other negative emotions are the main reasons a child avoids school.
    • Difficulties Attending: These can range from occasional absences to complete school refusal.
    • Not Truancy: ESBA differs from truancy, where a child skips school intentionally without a valid reason.

    Causes of ESBA can vary but may include:

    • Bullying
    • Social anxieties
    • Specific learning difficulties
    • Transitions (e.g., starting a new school)
    • Mental health conditions like depression

    Transition & Change

    For Sam, the transition to a mainstream secondary school had been too much. As the weeks and months went by his ability to cope reduced. Despite every effort to integrate his level of study into a mainstream setting, he became more and more dysregulated. His differences became more obvious, and the once-happy boy I knew became withdrawn and angry.

    The fight to get him into a specialist setting more adept at educating him and letting him thrive wasn’t anywhere near as bad as some families I know, and for that I am thankful. Yet it wasn’t without its struggles either. However, as many of you know we managed to secure his place for this Sept at the school of our choice. I thought the fight was over. How wrong I was…

    It’s not a choice!

    By this time Sam was accessing school less and less, and by Spring Term we were lucky if he managed to go to school once a week. School have offered various solutions, but they’ve all just been too little too late. The damage was done by then and he would shut down at the mere mention of school. To some, this is hard to understand. They can’t see past the behaviour, so see a kid refusing to go to school and ‘getting away with it’. What they don’t see is the emotional turmoil the child goes through just trying to access that education and the dysregulation it causes if they do manage to get to class.

    Here’s a snapshot of the current situation in the UK:

    • Sharp Increase: Persistent absence rates (missing 10% of school) have soared since the pandemic. In the 2022/23 Autumn term, 22.3% of pupils were persistently absent, compared to 10.9% pre-pandemic (2018/19) – more than doubling [Anna Freud, Children’s Commissioner].
    • Underlying Issues: EBSA is the root cause for a significant portion of this increase. While exact numbers are tricky to pinpoint, estimates suggest 1-2% of those missing school persistently do so due to emotional reasons [Absolutely Education UK].
    • SEND and EBSA: Children with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) are particularly vulnerable. Absence rates for pupils with an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) are significantly higher (12.1% vs 6.8% without SEN Support) [Beyond Autism].

    Additional Points:

    • Pre-existing Trend: Even before the pandemic, persistent absence rates were steadily increasing.
    • Mental Health Connection: Many experts believe the pandemic exacerbated mental health issues in children, contributing to EBSA.
    • Impact on Learning: Missing significant school time can have a detrimental impact on a child’s education.

    A Long Road to Recovery

    Having had such a positive step with Sam the week before, I wrongly forgot just how much he struggles with transition and change. When Monday came he flat out refused to go to school. A transition morning that Wednesday for all the new kids starting in Sept (3 plus Sam) seemed like a good opportunity for Sam to try again, as he wouldn’t be the only new kid. We managed to get as far as the school reception, I could see he was struggling. We went home and he had one of his worst days in a long time in terms of dysregulation, and meltdowns. I haven’t felt such a failure in a long time.

    He’s begun asking to go to his mainstream school instead (it’s familiar and ‘comfortable’ in a weird way). They even offered alternative provision but I’ve not taken up the offer as I think it will just confuse him. For me, we have to remove all other options and let him focus on accessing his new setting. He has so many negative emotions associated with school, it’s gonna take time.

    I’m the worst mum in the world as I’m making him move to a new school, make new friends and get to know new teachers. Right now he can’t see past that change. It’s going to be a long process. It’s so funny how many people asked me after Friday ‘So, is that him all settled now?’. If only it were that easy. Parents of SEND kids and those struggling with Emotionally Based School Avoidance will completely understand the journey.

    In the meantime, I still haven’t heard from CAMHS about his further assessments. Until I hear from them, then I don’t know exactly what he is being assessed for. I feel utterly lost if I’m honest. He’s struggling so hard and it’s difficult to watch, I know it will take time. In the meantime, we still don’t know his actual diagnosis to ensure we are correctly supporting him. Develop strategies that will actually help him, rather than possibly trigger him. So it’s off to hyperfocus on all things EBSA for a bit, will see you on the other side…

    Fay x

  • 10 Signs I Have ADHD (from my childhood)

    10 Signs I Have ADHD (from my childhood)

    I was lying awake last night; as often it does, my brain ran away at 100 miles an hour. That’s when it came to me, I remembered how when I was young at school, I was always daydreaming. And in fact, I used to fall asleep quite a lot too. Suddenly, more memories started to flood back, and the signs that I have ADHD seemed really obvious.

    It’s been reported in The Observer that Dr Tony Lloyd of the ADHD Foundation charity suggested there has been a 400% increase in the number of adults seeking diagnosis since 2020. I know that one of the biggest factors when looking at ADHD in older women is whether the symptoms were there in childhood. So I thought it’d probably be a good indicator to go back over my younger life.

    1. Fatigue

    I slept a lot! I was still having a nap every day when I started primary school – the boys did too. And remember, quite often falling asleep in class for a long time (even into secondary school!).

    2. Daydreaming

    I daydreamed a lot too. In fact, I think it was commented on in pretty much every school report I had in primary school. I still remember being pulled up on it in secondary school for it but knew by then I had to feign interest at least. Or wangle sitting at the window near the back to hide LOL.

    3. Exaggerated Emotional Responses

    I was always dramatic, but coming from an ‘Am Dram’ (Amateur Dramatic) family I guess it was just taken as par for the course. But I remember ‘feeling’ things a lot deeper than others. I could read a room at the drop of a hat and I learnt that my gut was always spot on very early.

    4. Cries easily

    Following on from above, I really do remember crying a lot. Crying with happiness, crying in pain, whatever the emotion I would pretty much always cry (and I still do), even a 30-sec advert could make me cry.

    5. Disorganised and messy

    I was never very good at tidying my room and luckily I had a room of my own, but I do remember the feeling of calm when it was tidy. I learned early on that I much preferred a tidy environment, to the point of extreme. My school books and work were always immaculate, as is my work desk now. However, my bedroom floor was, and is, always covered in clothes; and don’t even ask to see in my car now.

    6. Highly sensitive to noise and fabrics

    I always remember labels on clothes annoying me massively, to the point of distraction. But I thought everyone was the same, it wasn’t till I saw my boys cutting their labels out (I wouldn’t have dared LOL) and read up, I realised it was Sensory Processing Disorder.

    I like my music loud, the louder the better, and I listen to the same song or album over and over for months at a time. Whilst more than one person talking to/near me makes me want to scream in pain, when I need to concentrate, then loud music is an absolute must. It drowns out the constant ‘noise’ in my head. My own internal monologue follows me through life 24/7.

    7. Slamming Doors

    Now this is absolutely me, I still slam doors to this day, and I find it really hard not to when I’m angry. I noticed that Sam does the same, and between us, we have broken so many door fixings. I remember doing it when I’d left home and lived with my first husband (I had a lot to be angry about). No memories of massively doing when I was young and at home, but then I don’t remember being that angry then.

    Often late (poor time management)

    Now this is a funny one, as until menopause, I was never late, like never ever. So, on initial glance, this looks like one that doesn’t fit me. But taking some time to look a little closer, I realised that actually I (with help from mum) had just developed an extreme coping strategy to help. I would always be very, very early. I would be super early for school, I would be super early for work, and I would be stupidly early for travelling anywhere. I even rehearsed/planned journeys to ensure my timings were accurate.

    Poor Self-Image

    I’ve always struggled with my self-image, bullied through my junior years of primary school. I learned that humour was my coping mechanism. I spent secondary school knowing I didn’t ‘fit in’, but luckily found my tribe, and we hid in the music block. I have always struggled to look in the mirror and never really look at myself and think I look nice.

    Takes Time to Process Information

    For as long as I can remember, I would always say ‘what’ after someone spoke to me. I remember because my mum would always correct me (as I do with my boys now) and say ‘Pardon, not what! However, before whoever was speaking could repeat what they had said, I would have replied. I still do it now, and I know now that it isn’t because I wasn’t listening or didn’t hear, but because it takes my brain a little bit longer to process what a person has just said.

    ADHD Combined Type

    Looking back now, I can see the signs that I have ADHD so clearly. But for a lot of girls and women, as it was for me, it is brushed off as hormones. As being too this or too that; as having depression or anxiety. We don’t display the classic ‘hyperactive naughty behaviour’ that is still so intrinsically linked to ADHD. Our hyperactivity is quite often in the mind a lot of the time, a brain racing that never stops. The inattentive trait is fobbed off as daydreaming. Our impulsivity can be seen in relationships or purchase habits, rather than in dangerous play or activities.

    So, how did you first realise you may have ADHD? Can you see the same symptoms in your childhood?! I’d love to know your experience in the comments below.

    Fay x

  • HRT Treatment – Types of HRT

    HRT Treatment – Types of HRT

    So I’ve been on HRT for approx. a year now (I can’t believe it’s only been a year LOL). I’ve been having a few concerns about things that may or may not be connected to the types of HRT I’m taking. Before I go into the issues and concerns I’ve been having, I thought it would be useful to explain a little more about HRT Treatment.

    What is HRT?

    HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) replaces the hormones that a woman’s body stops producing during Perimenopause and Menopause.

    The 2 hormones used in HRT are:

    • Oestrogen
    • Progestogen

    HRT is offered as either Oestrogen-only HRT or combined HRT (Oestrogen & Progestogen).

    Body Identical HRT

    Body-identical or bioidentical hormones include estrogen delivered through the skin in a patch, gel, or spray, and micronised progesterone, known as Utrogestan® in the UK. It is the safest and most regulated type of HRT treatment.

    Body Identical Hormones – Click here to learn more

    Compounded Bioidentical Hormones – Click to learn more

    My HRT Journey

    Initially, like most women, I was put on the Evorel Conti (combined Estrogen & Progesterone) patch. After 3 months, it became apparent that it wasn’t quite having the effect we wanted. It did immediately help with night sweats and hot flushes, but not much else. God, I wanted to be one of those women who say HRT changed their lives overnight! I will add that alongside the HRT, I was also on Lisinopril (10mg) for my high blood pressure and Mirtazapine (30mg) for my depression and sleep issues, which we now know is probably much more likely to be the ADHD.

    Anyway, it was decided to increase the estrogen level to see if that helped. So this meant switching to a combination of Progesterone tablets and Estrogen patches at higher doses. This did seem to make a difference initially, and at the same time, I’d also found the NUMind wellness supplements, which I cannot tell you how much have helped my sleep. But over the next 6 months or so, I began to have some concerns.

    Is This Right?

    Weight gain

    When I started HRT, I noticed that I was slowly gaining weight. Initially, I put this down to being perimenopausal as I knew to expect possible weight gain, especially around my middle. However, when I started the patch/tablet combo, I noticed substantial weight gain. I also noticed that my bloating was getting substantially worse. In just over a year, I gained 3 stones and looked 9 months pregnant for the majority of the month.

    When I mentioned the weight gain in my first review, I was met with almost disdain, as if I was being vain. However, when I mentioned this time, the GP was so lovely and as concerned as I was, especially given how much is around my middle. In her words ‘Let’s make sure it’s not something we are giving you that is causing this before we look at other factors’. It was so refreshing and validating!

    We discussed Mirtazapine, which can cause increased appetite, and decided to reduce it to 15mg. I’d been put on the 30mg at the OT’s suggestion, to aid sleep, but I was happy to drop down.

    bloating

    As said, I’d also noticed the bloating was constant and quite uncomfortable. The GP explained that it could be water retention and bloating from the Utrogestan capsules I was taking. At the moment, I take these orally: 2 tablets for 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. However, once you’ve been on it for over a year, you can change to one tablet every day. She also suggested that I switch to taking vaginally – cue my 11-year-old son’s mortified face as he was in the car when I took the call! She felt that taking it that way would localise the effect and hopefully cut out the water retention/bloating.

    memory

    Now, this is partly related to menopause but more to ADHD. I am absolutely rubbish at remembering things, especially if there is no real set routine. So applying patches twice a week was a kind of recipe for disaster. I asked if there was anything I could take daily along with all my other medications. She suggested that I move to try the gel, 3 pumps a day. So now, going from the medication I took daily, twice weekly and two weeks on two weeks off, I was now taking everything daily. Perfect!

    high bp

    I was also a little concerned about my high BP as it had risen again, so we also decided to raise the Lisinopril to 20mg from 10mg to see if that helped. I need to have a check-up and blood tests in two weeks to ensure my BP has come down and that my kidneys are okay on the higher dose.

    Moving Forward

    So I’m excited to start the new regime and see what happens. I also hope this gives you a little insight into the types of HRT and HRT treatment. I think for most women it isn’t that simple, an overnight fix, and we need to be able to have the knowledge to understand not only that, but also to question when we don’t feel something is right.

    What’s your experience of HRT so far? I’d really love to hear your stories in the comments below.

    Fay x

  • 60 Ways To Improve Family Life in 60 Secs

    60 Ways To Improve Family Life in 60 Secs

    Meee in a Family Minute

    Family Support

    Sid Madge is the author of ‘Meee in a Family Minute’ and founder of The Meee Programme.  In 2009, Sid chose to relocate from London to a remote corner in North Wales and build a new business.  Running a workshop at a local school, Sid was shocked by the self-esteem of the students.  Asked to describe themselves, 15% used terms such as ‘freak’, ‘weirdo’ and ‘misfit’.  He felt urged to take action, and the Meee Programme was born.

    His first book, ‘Meee in a Minute – 60 ways to improve your life in 60 seconds’ has become a best-seller. It recognises and affirms the work of the Meee Programme, which encourages everyone to recognise and believe in their abilities. More and more in these unprecedented times, we are looking to rebalance our family lives and relationships. Could ‘Meee in a Family Minute’ provide some family support and do just that?

    Balancing Act

    I was sent an email in June asking if I would like to improve my work-life balance.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about family life and about wellbeing.  So it immediately grabbed my attention. ’60 Ways to Improve Your Family Life in 60 Seconds’ is the third in the series of ‘Meee in a Minute’ books from Sid Madge.

    I was very lucky to be gifted a copy of the book, and I have to say, as soon as I began reading, I knew this book was special.  I struggled to put down, but the fantastic thing is that each chapter literally takes less than a minute to read.  Therefore, you can make small changes with immediate effect. As with everything, rather than try to change lots at once, we need to walk before we run.  The book is full of useful tips and strategies to help with family support. To help engage with, enjoy and reconnect.  So as I read through, I marked the chapters I wanted to bring to our family life.  I then narrowed it down to my Top 5, which I am determined to work on over the summer with us all.

    As with everything, rather than try to change lots at once, we need to walk before we run.  The book is full of useful tips and strategies to help with family support. To help engage with, enjoy and reconnect.  So as I read through, I marked the chapters I wanted to bring to our family life.  I then narrowed it down to my Top 5, which I am determined to work on over the summer with us all.

    Our Top 5 Actions To Take

    1. Cut down on screen time – From Home School to Lockdown, it has increased the whole family’s screen time exponentially.  The holidays and relaxation in lockdown gave us the chance to cut back on our screen time as a family, but it’s hard not to fall back into the same old routine.
    2. Family Values – This is something really important to me, and I want the boys to have something visual, to reaffirm those values daily.
    3. Read Aloud to your kids – Cutting down on screen time allows us time to start reading more, too.  The older boys and I have a stack of books to get through this summer.  But for Samuel with his Dyslexia, it’s not so easy.  Reading aloud to him will hopefully give him that love of reading and encourage him with his reading.
    4. Play Together – We cracked on with this last night after ordering more shuttlecocks (Daisy keeps eating them).  The Badminton tournament is going strong.  Just seeing all the boys playing out in the garden happily together was lovely.  After tea, Monopoly came out, and a request for UNO to be played tonight! A great start,
    5. Be The Change – I think being stuck at home has made me more aware of how my personal behaviour affects the boys.  My anxiety about lockdown has poured over into angry outbursts and a feeling of loss of control.  In Sam, I can see some of those traits in him.  I need to be the change…

    ‘Little Bible of Goodness’

    This Pocket-sized book is jam-packed full of actionable family support to enable you to use now, or simply to read through and realise that, actually, even in the madness of lockdown, you are doing a good job! But we should never stop learning, just as our children don’t.  This book is perfect for those times when you are a little unsure. When you know you want to make a change or help, but aren’t quite sure how to do it best. Or one of your kids needs a little more support.  From chapters on ‘Family Time’ or ‘Don’t Take it Personally’ to ‘No Regrets’ or ‘Never Criticise’, it really does manage to cover everything.  I would thoroughly recommend and have just ordered the previous two books in the series.

    If you are interested in learning more about the Programme and what it can do for you, your colleagues, or students, then please check it out.  Fascinating read…

    I’ll keep you posted on how our small changes go over the next few weeks.  I’d love to hear if you read and what you think.  Or what you’d love to develop within your family this summer!  Comment below.

    Fay x

  • Sleep Hygiene – What is it?

    Sleep Hygiene – What is it?

    I don’t think I’m the only person in the world who hadn’t heard of sleep hygiene when it was initially mentioned; in fact, I know I’m not. So just what exactly is it?

    In a nutshell, Sleep Hygiene is the practice of establishing routines conducive to better sleep.  However, it’s not just about your bedtime routine; it’s about your whole day. Start the day off right. Be mindful throughout the day. Take time to relax on an evening and wind down before bed. These all help to ensure that you get a good night’s sleep.

    Morning

    Set an alarm

    So it seems pretty obvious, but with more and more of us being able to work from home now, maybe we’ve let this slip.  Consistent waking times not only help regulate your bedtime but also “set” the body clock.

    Get some daylight

    Getting outside in natural light as soon as possible can really help to shake off any groggy feelings you may have. Read this great article by the Sleep Foundation about the connection between light and sleep. For my 5 top tips to improve your mood daily, read my previous blog post.

    Day

    Get some exercise

    Regular exercise can help you sleep more deeply at night and deliver a host of other health benefits.  So whether it’s walking the dog, going for a run or a session at the gym, it all helps.  Best to leave at least 2 hours after exercise before bed, though, to help your body relax again and return to its core temperature.

    Limit that caffeine

    Avoid drinks containing caffeine from the afternoon onwards.  Caffeine is a stimulant, which means if you drink too much, you can’t relax properly, even if you want to. Well, unless you have ADHD, but that’s a whole other post.  And remember, caffeine is found in some fizzy juices, energy drinks, and chocolate, as well as tea and coffee.

    Evening

    Limit alcohol/nicotine

    Try as much as possible to limit alcohol and nicotine in the evening.  Alcohol may help you get to sleep, but it doesn’t last and can lead to restless sleep through the night.  Likewise, Nicotine as a stimulant might make it harder for you to get to sleep when you need to.

    Watch what you eat and drink

    It is a good idea not to go to bed either hungry or thirsty, as it may cause you to wake in the night.  Conversely, going to bed on a full stomach isn’t good either, as your body can still be digesting or needing the toilet as you are trying to sleep

    Limit those screens

    It is a good idea to take some time out (30-60 mins) before bed, as screens are a mental stimulant.  The blue light emitted by our devices can reduce melatonin levels and prevent us from switching off.  Time for reading! Also, if you find your mind racing with thoughts, keep a pad and pen by your bed to jot them down and free your mind.

    Night

    Bedroom Environment

    A calm and restful bedroom is a must for a good night’s sleep. Ensure the temperature is cool and blinds/curtains are drawn.  Lighting should be dimmed and switched off to sleep. Weighted blankets are great for those who struggle with restless sleep. Delicate scents such as lavender are fantastic for calming the brain before sleep. I use This Works Sleep Plus Pillow Spray, which I adore.

    Remove or hide clocks

    If possible, clocks shouldn’t be in the bedroom to prevent clock-watching. If your alarm is a clock alarm, then try turning it away from you.  If you use your phone, ensure it is on sleep mode so as not to disturb you during the night

    How’s your sleep?

    So there you go, that’s sleep hygiene in a nutshell.  To be fair, if you are like me, you do quite a lot of it without even thinking.  Other parts I’ve really worked on since the New Year, so for me, this is something that I have been doing religiously since then.  Whilst my sleep quality isn’t great at the moment, it is definitely not down to my sleep hygiene!  So do you practice sleep hygiene?  What are your top tips for a good night’s sleep? Or do you struggle with your sleep and need to introduce some of the above? Drop me a comment below, would love to hear from you.

    P.S.

    To the GP who couldn’t wait to get me off the phone, rather than take 2 minutes to talk to me and explain exactly what sleep hygiene was… I have now made an appointment with my original GP (who could probably do without this call, as she is just as busy as you) to explain that I have been following sleep hygiene for months now, and that is not what is needed to help my deteriorating sleep.