How Felicity Finds

Category: The ND Life

ADHD Child Morning Routine: Why School Mornings Are So Hard for Children with ADHD, Autism and PDA
Does your ADHD or autistic child struggle with a morning routine? It’s not laziness, defiance, or bad parenting. Every morning feels like Groundhog Day. You’ve woken them countless times. You’ve called them even more. Shoes are nowhere to be found, and the socks don’t feel right. All this, all before 8 am. If this rings a bell, you’re not alone.

There are neurological reasons why mornings can be genuinely difficult.

Why Does My ADHD Child Take So Long to Get Ready for School?
- ADHD – Struggles with executive function and sleep make it hard for anyone with ADHD on a morning. Lots of ‘tasks’, plus possibly still not being fully awake, is not a great mix.
- Autism – For children with autism, transitions can be difficult. Mornings, in particular, involve many transitions within a relatively short time. Plus, there’s the added worry of having to ‘mask’ all day at school.
- PDA – For a child with a PDA profile, the above tasks and transitions can all seem like a long list of demands. Add in the anxiety/anticipation of the school day, and it can be overwhelming before they’ve even got out of bed.
- Anxiety – The anticipation of trying to fit in, reading social cues, and understanding what is expected of you at any given time can be hugely anxiety-provoking in many neurodivergent children.
- Executive dysfunction – For many neurodivergent children, executive dysfunction means that seemingly simple tasks like getting dressed, packing a school bag or leaving the house can feel overwhelming because their brain struggles to organise and initiate the steps involved.
- Transitions – We tend to think of the bigger transitions, like moving from junior to senior school, or moving up a year group each year. But for children with ADHD and autism, transitions can be about the everyday, like waking up each morning.
ADHD and Morning Struggles: It’s More Than Just Being Tired

Executive Dysfunction Makes Starting Tasks Hard

There are a huge number of tasks to complete every morning before school:
- Wake Up
- Get Dressed
- Breakfast
- Brush Teeth
- Pack School bag/PE Kit
- Remember Homework
- Make the School Bus
And that’s just the basics. Research suggests that children with ADHD may experience a delay in executive functioning development of around 30%, meaning a 10-year-old with ADHD may have organisational, planning and self-management skills more similar to those of a 7-year-old.

Sleep Inertia and Delayed Sleep Patterns

If your child with ADHD seems to come alive at bedtime but is impossible to get moving in the morning, there may be a biological reason. ADHD is strongly associated with delayed sleep patterns, meaning their internal body clock runs later than expected, making early school mornings particularly challenging.

Some experience sleep inertia, meaning they feel groggy and disoriented long after waking. Sleep inertia in the general population often lasts around 15–30 minutes, but can extend to an hour or more in some individuals. ADHD appears to be associated with more severe and prolonged sleep inertia.¹ It can be advisable to build in a longer ‘buffer’ in the morning, anything from 45 mins to 90 mins.

Children with ADHD are two to three times more likely to experience sleep problems than their neurotypical peers.²

How Autism Can Make School Mornings More Difficult

Transitions Are Hard Work

As mentioned earlier, we tend to think of ‘larger’ transitions, but for many autistic children, every day is full of lots and lots of smaller transitions that neurotypicals take for granted.
- moving from being asleep to awake
- having to get dressed
- transitioning from home to school
- moving from classroom to classroom, each lesson
- transitioning from lesson to playtime to lunch and back again.
Each of these transitions requires a huge amount of energy for an autistic child to make.

The Hidden Stress of the School Day

Which brings me perfectly on to the point of hidden stress. The effort that a neurodivergent child will have to use to simply get through the day is enough to make them anxious or even overwhelmed. Not knowing exactly what to expect, having to manage friendships, teachers’ expectations and school work, can all be huge stress points throughout the day, and the anxiety can begin as soon as they wake.

Understanding PDA and Morning Resistance

Why Everyday Tasks Can Feel Like Demands

For a neurodivergent child with PDA (commonly known as Pathological Demand Avoidance), another level of anxiety is added. All the tasks that are already hard to manage suddenly feel like demands. For a child with PDA, feeling ‘in control’ is hugely important. A better way to look at PDA is as a pervasive desire for autonomy. So tasks and questions can be perceived as demands and will be met with resistance.

It’s Not Refusal — It’s Often Anxiety

The anticipation of the unknown can be so anxiety-inducing that a PDA child will simply refuse to even try. It can seem like defiance or stubbornness, but it is a neurological difference in the way their brains perceive the world around them and their expectations. Even praise can be seen as a demand, because they perceive it as meaning they must work to this level each time.

What School Mornings Might Feel Like for Your Child

Before they’ve even left their bed, they may already be thinking about getting dressed, navigating friendships, coping with noise, following instructions, and masking all day. My youngest really struggles to trust what he is being told and the people around him. He needs routine and predictability after years of change and feeling let down by previous education settings. So each morning is like a new morning with the same anxieties, worries, demands, until he can build that trust again.

Practical Ways to Make Your ADHD Child’s Morning Routine Easier

Reduce Morning Decisions

Write a list of all the decisions that need to be made on a morning. There will be more than you originally anticipated. Are there any you can remove from the list completely, or move to a different time, like the night before?

Prepare as Much as Possible the Night Before

If tasks can be moved to the night before, then it’s really advisable to do so. Things like laying out uniform/clothes the night before. Making sure the PE Kit is ready and packed if needed. If there is homework, is it completed and packed in the school bag?

Break Tasks Into Tiny Steps

For larger tasks, break them down. Telling your ADHD or autistic child to simply get ready for school can be overwhelming. Break it down into manageable steps, giving one at a time as they complete each step.

Offer Genuine Choices

For children with a PDA profile, how you word things can have a real effect. Rather than saying ‘brush your teeth, get dressed’, give them the choice of which they’d like to do first. Or you can simply state that their toothbrush and toothpaste are at the basin when they are ready to brush their teeth.

For younger children, try making tasks a game. We would quite often ‘see who can get dressed’ first, or ‘who could brush their teeth best.’

Use Visual Prompts Instead of Constant Verbal Reminders

Spoken voice can be construed as a demand or overwhelming, especially if your child has sensory struggles. Using visual reminders can be very useful under these circumstances. A morning routine ‘to do’ chart, where children can tick off each task as completed, can work well with some (keep it simple). What I found worked well with Sam were visual hand cues. So, rather than going in every 10 mins to tell him the time, a demand in itself. Then, simply replacing my voice with holding my hand up to show how many minutes were left (so five fingers for five minutes), worked well.

Focus on Connection Before Correction

Where possible, try not to correct your child in the morning. When they are already anxious or possibly internalising overwhelm, then correcting them can be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Try instead to connect with them, explain that you can feel their struggles and ask what would help. Or simply move past the ‘error’ and try again in 5 minutes, even helping them to achieve.

When Morning Struggles Might Be a Sign of School Anxiety

While ADHD, autism and PDA can all contribute to difficult mornings. It is worth considering whether school anxiety may also be playing a role. If your child seems particularly resistant on school days but is happy to get up on weekends, or for activities they enjoy. Then their morning struggles could be a sign that they’re feeling overwhelmed by something at school.

What Helped Me Reframe Our Morning Battles

As soon as I realised that my children were not deliberately being difficult but were struggling, my thinking shifted. Being a SEN parent who is neurodivergent myself, the struggles were not so obvious for my two eldest. Without realising it, I had built many of the above steps into our routine because they helped me in the morning. Which in turn helped them.

However, the struggles with my youngest were so much greater. When EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance) set in after a disastrous transition to a mainstream secondary school, I had to question the very way I parented. That’s another story for another day. Suddenly, what had worked previously no longer did. Realising that his ‘behaviour’ was actually him trying to communicate with me really helped.

Final Thoughts: Your Child Isn’t Giving You a Hard Time

Children with ADHD, autism, and PDA aren’t usually choosing to make mornings difficult. More often, they’re having a difficult time navigating a world that asks a lot of them before the day has even begun.

Once we start to approach their behaviour as struggles and listen to what they are trying to tell us, it makes things a lot easier. Parenting neurodivergent children is not easy. But you are not alone, and small changes can make a big difference. I’m always available on socials or by commenting below. What small change did you find helped, or are you still in the battleround?

Fay x

Frequently Asked Questions

If your ADHD child struggles to get out of bed for school, it isn’t usually because they’re being lazy or difficult. Many children with ADHD experience executive dysfunction, which can make starting tasks incredibly challenging, even when they know they need to do them. Some children also have delayed sleep patterns or experience sleep inertia, meaning they feel groggy and disoriented long after waking.

For children who are also autistic or have a PDA profile, the thought of the school day ahead can feel overwhelming before they’ve even left their bed. The combination of transitions, expectations, sensory demands and social pressures can make getting started feel like the hardest part of the day.

Yes, many children with ADHD find mornings particularly challenging. ADHD can affect sleep, motivation, task initiation and time awareness, all of which are important when getting ready for school. While some children appear fully awake, they may still struggle to organise themselves, prioritise tasks or move from one activity to the next.

Mornings often involve multiple demands in a short space of time, from getting dressed and eating breakfast to remembering homework and leaving the house on time. For an ADHD brain, this can quickly become overwhelming, leading to delays, frustration and stress for the whole family.

Yes, morning resistance is very common in children with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Persistent Drive for Autonomy) profile. Everyday tasks such as getting dressed, brushing teeth or leaving for school can be experienced as demands, triggering anxiety and a strong need to maintain control.

This doesn’t mean a child is choosing to be oppositional. In many cases, their nervous system is responding to feelings of pressure or overwhelm. Reducing demands, offering genuine choices and approaching mornings with flexibility and collaboration can often be more effective than repeated reminders or consequences.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but many parents find that reducing the number of decisions and demands in the morning can help. Preparing school bags, uniforms and lunches the night before can reduce stress and make mornings feel more manageable.

Breaking tasks into smaller steps, using visual reminders and offering choices can also support children with ADHD, autism or PDA. Most importantly, try to focus on connection rather than conflict. Understanding why your child is struggling can help you find strategies that work for your family rather than getting stuck in daily battles.

Sometimes, yes. If your child seems particularly resistant to getting ready on school days but is more relaxed at weekends or during holidays, anxiety may be playing a role. School can be demanding for neurodivergent children, especially if they are dealing with sensory challenges, social pressures, academic expectations or the exhaustion that comes from masking throughout the day.

Morning meltdowns can sometimes be a sign that a child is struggling with what lies ahead rather than the morning routine itself. Approaching the situation with curiosity rather than assumptions can help uncover whether anxiety is contributing to the difficulties and what support might be needed.

REFERENCES
1. Sleep Inertia: Getting Past the Grogginess ↩︎
2. Contributions of circadian tendencies and behavioral problems to sleep onset problems of children with ADHD | BMC Psychiatry | Springer Nature Link ↩︎
21 June 2026
My honest product edit — what has actually helped with the AuDHD, the perimenopause, and the renovation chaos

This post contains affiliate links for some products; they will be clearly marked. If you purchase through my links, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I also have a personal discount code for the collagen I mentioned — I can’t share it publicly, but drop a comment below or message me on Instagram, and I’ll send it over. I only ever recommend products I actually use.

Since hitting perimenopause, my coping mechanisms failed, and the mask fell off. My journey with AuDHD began, and boy, it’s been a hell of a ride. And whilst dealing with all that, we decided that starting a renovation project would be a fantastic idea! So what are the products that have helped me through these last few years, and what new ones am I using in the house to help with the reno and work with my neurodivergence?

Products for AuDHD Women in the UK

THE ND TOOLKIT

From essential oils from Rebel Rituals to sleep sprays from This Works, these products help me calm my mind, focus my thoughts, and get a great night’s sleep. And when it all gets a little too much, the weighted blanket comes out to give me a huge, deep hug.

FIND OUT MORE…

Perimenopause & hormone wellbeing

Supplements voted the Best Menopause Supplement of the Year 2025 by BBC Good Food help me get a full night’s sleep and the energy to function throughout the day. Vitamins and collagen, specifically designed by Elavate, are my secret weapons to fantastic hair and nails. Whilst my Caudalie Vinopure Serum has eradicated the hormonal acne that was one of my earliest and worst menopause symptoms.

FIND OUT MORE…

THE FARMHOUSE

I’ve found some great kitchen products that not only look great but also help with an ADHD brain by reducing stress, visually and literally, and ensuring we don’t run out. When you have ND kids, it’s worth more than your life to run out of their favourites!

As well as that, I know a lot of people have asked about the products and companies we are working with for the renovation, so I’ll be adding them here, too.

FIND OUT MORE…

RURAL & FAMILY LIFE

Coming this week, I’ll also be adding in a lot of the products and clothing we use and wear now that we live a little more rurally. Think wellies, gilets, leggings, as well as gardening tools and more as time goes on.

I’ll also list a lot of the items that have helped us as a neurodivergent family, such as labelling, vitamins and supplements, books on ND parenting, etc.

COMING SOON!

All the products listed, which we use and love, have genuinely helped us along the way. So, I really hope that they will help you too! If there is anything you want to ask, please just comment below!

Fay x

7 June 2026
Five years waiting for an ADHD assessment — what the system costs women, and why the gender diagnosis gap is a crisis hiding in plain sight
I chased my ADHD assessment referral today. Turns out they’re even further behind than before. I might have another year to wait. That’s five years. Five years of knowing, and waiting, and having to get on with it anyway.

My Story

As with many older women who realise they are neurodivergent, it’s when menopause hits, and everything falls apart, that it becomes obvious. For me, my journey began with my children’s diagnoses, and as menopause took hold, things really began to fall apart. The referral was fairly straightforward, as my GP was obviously aware of the boys’ journeys, so completely supported my self-referral.

When I received the forms to complete, I thought that looking back on childhood would be quite hard. But suddenly things began to fall into place and make sense. My referral was triaged and accepted, and the wait began. In the four years since, I’ve navigated my three boys’ diagnoses, supported my youngest through almost 3 years of EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance) and an EHCP transfer, become L3 SEND Law Qualified with IPSEA Charity, managed -kinda- perimenopause, moved house and started a renovation.

The Gender Diagnosis Gap

We know that historically, ADHD was seen as the ‘naughty white boy disorder’ and something that they grow out of as they reach adulthood. There are three ‘types’ of ADHD: Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined. Generally, boys are likely to display the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms of ADHD, whereas girls and women tend to display more inattentive behaviour. This is one of the reasons historically the gender diagnosis gap originated. Clinical studies show that the gender diagnosis gap is 4:1 male to female. However, wider studies within the community show that this ratio may be nearer to 2:1. ¹

Reasons for the gender gap are generally thought to be:
- Historical bias – research was carried out on males, so the diagnostic criteria are still very much focused on male-dominated symptoms, focusing on hyperative type.
- Presentation type – typically, the ‘male’ behaviours are much more external and visible, whilst ‘female’ behaviours are typically internal and much less visible, so tend to go unnoticed by parents & professionals.
- GP Training – because of the above GPs are vastly undertrained in the presentation of females with ADHD, and therefore it can be harder for females to be considered for assessment.
- Societal Expectations – Again, because the male behaviours are visible and go against expected behaviours in public, it is accepted more readily that this may be due to ADHD, and diagnosis sought. Whereas, within females, a lot of the time, it is initially put down to a personality trait.
- Diagnosis Procedure – Girls are much less likely to be noticed and referred for assessments throughout their lives. Still, studies show that even when they are referred and assessed, women are more likely to be misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all.
NHS vs Private (and Right To Choose)

As of early 2026, typical waiting times for adult ADHD assessment through the NHS range from 12 months to over 5 years depending on your area. Some regions have waiting lists so long that services have temporarily closed to new referrals.²

Right to Choose wait times range from as little as 1 week to up to 78 weeks, so they are significantly shorter than NHS wait times. However, many GPs are unaware of the RTC avenues, making referral difficult. And as more patients ask for RTC, providers are struggling under the pressure and are also closing their waiting lists to new referrals.³

Private ADHD assessment in the UK can be scheduled in as little as 3 weeks, but does come with a cost of between £500 and £1200.⁴ GPs can also refuse to accept private diagnoses and therefore the prescription of any advised medication. ⁵

What the Wait Costs

The cost of waiting years for a diagnosis is not only financial, though the financial reality is stark enough on its own. It is the cost of navigating life without the framework that would explain so much of it.

It is the cost of sitting with three neurodivergent boys — each at different points in their own diagnostic journeys, each needing me to advocate fiercely and knowledgeably for them — while simultaneously trying to understand a brain that nobody has yet formally confirmed as my own. The irony of holding a Level 3 SEND Law qualification, of knowing how to fight a system on behalf of my children, while being failed by that same system myself is not lost on me.

It is the cost of perimenopause landing on top of undiagnosed AuDHD with no clinical acknowledgement of how the two interact. The hormonal crash that completely disrupts dopamine regulation. The brain fog that sits on top of existing executive dysfunction. The emotional dysregulation that increases as oestrogen drops. And the total absence of any professional joining those dots in a way that might actually help.

It is the cost of the Maternal Mental Health crisis I wrote about earlier this year — the PND that went unrecognised as the neurodivergent crisis it also was, because nobody was looking for it.

And it is the quieter, more cumulative cost — the one that is hardest to quantify. The years of wondering why everything feels harder for me, than it looks for everyone else. The self-doubt that fills the space where a diagnosis should be. The energy spent masking, compensating, and holding it all together in ways that are invisible to everyone except the person doing it.

That is what the wait costs. Not just time. Everything that happens inside it.

What Needs to Change

None of what needs to change is complicated. None of it is beyond the capacity of a healthcare system that, when it chooses to, moves quickly and decisively.

Earlier screening for girls in education. The signs of ADHD in girls are present in classrooms every day — in the daydreamer who is written off as quiet, in the people-pleaser who is exhausted by the effort of appearing fine, in the girl who is bright but inconsistent in ways that confuse teachers. Catching ADHD earlier in girls means fewer women arriving at adulthood — and motherhood — without the tools to understand themselves.

Better training for GPs in how ADHD presents in women. A woman who presents to her GP with anxiety, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, and emotional dysregulation should not leave with only an antidepressant, as I did for decades. She should leave with a conversation about whether something else might also be worth exploring. That conversation costs nothing. The absence of it costs everything.

Reduced NHS waiting times. Four years — potentially five by the time I am seen — is not a waiting list. It is a barrier. For women in crisis, for mothers in the postnatal period, for women in perimenopause when the hormonal shifts make everything harder, a four-year wait is not a delay. It is a denial.

The women waiting for these changes are not waiting quietly. They are working, parenting, advocating, and getting on with it — as women always have. But getting on with it is not the same as being supported. A system that relies on women’s ability to cope is not a system that is working. It is a system that is failing, and calling the failure resilience.

The Wait Continues. So do I…

We deserve better. We have always deserved better. And after four years, I am running out of polite ways to say so.

So, I’m still waiting. I’m still here. I’ll continue renovating the farmhouse, raising the boys, and advocating for women’s health rights. The diagnosis will come. And when it does, it will confirm what I already know.

You are not imagining it. You never were.

Fay x
24 May 2026
I had postnatal depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and no idea the two were connected. This is what happened — and why it matters for every woman diagnosed too late.

This post discusses postnatal depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and suicidal crisis. If you are struggling right now, please reach out to PANDAS on 0808 1961 776 or Samaritans on 116 123 before reading on. You are not alone.

Maternal Mental Health Week: the ADHD and PND connection that almost cost me my life.

As I sit in the new house, surrounded by chaos yet warmed by a hot cup of tea, I can reflect on how far I’ve come. Almost two decades ago, I was in a very different place. But this isn’t meant to be a sad story, far from it. This is a story of a mother with undiagnosed adhd and postnatal depression, who fought hard, coming out not only stronger, but gentler on herself too.

With two boys under two, I found motherhood hard. I wasn’t a confident mum, but at least by the time I had my second, I had a bit of a routine going. Looking back, I can totally see the signs of the AuDHD. I clung to Gina Ford and the routine, but I also found it hard to organise myself and the boys. I couldn’t do more than 1 ‘thing’ in a day, and looked in awe and horror at friends who could visit friends and family, and fit in an activity all in the same day. But as the months went on, any feelings I had started to become numb, and any joy that had been there had gone.

Not an easy journey

I was lonely; I had moved away from family and friends, and didn’t drive at the time. And with two under two, it wasn’t the easiest to get on a bus and go out. I withdrew and spent more and more time at home. My husband had a busy social life playing golf and squash, so he would be out a lot of evenings and weekends. I knew it would be tiring, but it was beyond that; I was exhausted, constantly. I quite often felt as if I wasn’t really there, or felt nothing at all. Feeling so alone, so out of my depth, and so miserable, utterly, utterly miserable, at what should be one of the happiest moments of your life.

Over the coming months, nothing seemed to get easier; I was still struggling, still found the day-to-day difficult. Still felt nothing. I began clawing at my skin to try and feel something. My forehead was often raw and bleeding, covered by a long fringe. I began to question everything, especially my ability to be a good mother and wife. I had very little contact with friends and family and hid away from the world. The final straw was not being able to attend a family event because the OH was playing golf. That night was my lowest point, and I honestly felt that everyone would be better off without me.

A wake-up call – literally!

I woke the next morning, which I wasn’t expecting at all. The weight of what had happened hit home immediately, and I knew I needed to get help. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and immediately put on antidepressants and went to therapy. At this point, the connection to ADHD hadn’t been made. We all still saw it as something that affected young boys. And while we are now talking much more about the connection between the hormonal shift of perimenopause and ADHD, we still talk less about the connection between PND and ADHD. I wish I’d known then what I know now about the hormone crash and the dopamine dysregulation, the specific vulnerability of undiagnosed ADHD women in the postpartum period.

Women with ADHD are significantly more likely to experience severe postpartum mental health difficulties. And girls are consistently diagnosed later than boys — often not until adulthood, often not until a crisis. The cost of that delay is not academic. Consistently conducted research shows that oestrogen plays a significant role in dopamine regulation. The crash in oestrogen after birth is particularly hard for women with ADHD, diagnosed or not. There is a direct correlation between estrogen and dopamine levels, as this article from ADDitude shows.

ADHD and postnatal depression

Not only does the postpartum period exacerbate the symptoms of ADHD, but women with ADHD are at significantly elevated risk of postnatal depression. The combination of sleep deprivation, hormonal disruption, and sensory overload creates a ‘perfect storm’ for women who are already working harder than most to manage. The PANDAS Foundation has some fantastic resources on this very topic.

For me, the recovery was slow, but by the time I had my third child, 7 years later, I was armed with knowledge. I still didn’t know then about my AuDHD, but I was confident and aware enough to be gentler on myself. To understand that, I found parenthood, for whatever reason, harder than most. Who knows what that early experience would have been like for me (and the boys) had I been armed with a diagnosis and support. We know that women who have a diagnosis report significant improvement in self-understanding, self-compassion and feel able to ask for support.

Research and awareness

If we can improve research and continue to raise awareness, we can ensure diagnosis before motherhood. So new mothers with ADHD can enter the postpartum period with awareness, coping strategies and support from family, friends and healthcare professionals. That is not a small thing. For some women, it would be the difference between surviving and not.

Now, nearly 20 years later, it took my youngest’s journey with AuDHD, and me hitting perimenopause, to realise my own diagnosis of AuDHD. Suddenly, everything made sense. The periods of major hormonal fluctuations in a woman’s life were all the times when I had particularly struggled. If you are currently struggling, know you are not alone, and be kind to yourself. There is support available now (see the resources at the end of this article). If you, like me, are now coming/or are out the other end, well done! It wasn’t easy, but we are stronger because of it.

This is my direct call to healthcare professionals, GPs, CAMHs, etc., to really take note of the importance of early diagnosis, especially in women and girls. It’s not something that will just help them as they get older; it could literally save their lives.

Fay x

If anything in this post has resonated with you, or if you are struggling with your mental health right now, please reach out. You do not have to manage this alone.

In crisis now: Samaritans — 116 123 (free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week) or samaritans.org

Postnatal depression support: PANDAS Foundation — 0808 1961 776 or pandasfoundation.org.uk

ADHD diagnosis and support: ADHD UK — adhduk.co.uk | ADHD Foundation — adhdfoundation.org.uk

Maternal mental health: Association for Postnatal Illness — apni.org

For neurodivergent women specifically: Neurodivergent Women — neurodivergent-women.org

If you think you or someone you love may have undiagnosed ADHD, please speak to your GP. You deserve a diagnosis. You deserve the right support. And if your GP doesn’t listen, you are entitled to ask again.

10 May 2026
Renovation chaos, an ADHD brain, and two things that have genuinely helped.

It’s 4 o’clock on Saturday afternoon, and my phone rings. It’s the kitchen company saying they’ll be with us within the hour… Sheer panic! For one thing, they weren’t meant to come till Sunday. However, more importantly, the kitchen wasn’t ready. The floor hadn’t been levelled. The underfloor matting was still to be put down. And we hadn’t had any workmen there all week. The months of planning had all gone to pot within one single week.

What Executive Dysfunction Actually Looks Like

Executive dysfunction in the ND brain is when your mind knows what needs to be done, but struggles to start, prioritise, or follow through—often feeling like an invisible block between intention and action. It is one of the biggest struggles with those on the ADHD spectrum. So while I can plan a kitchen down to the mm., or create a colour-coded spreadsheet for all six bathrooms, costed to the penny. I can become completely frozen when something unexpected happens. Or have a huge emotional response to something seemingly minor.

For example, the hubby couldn’t understand why I was, let’s say, a little annoyed when we had no workmen the week before the kitchen came. Oh, and the fact that he wouldn’t be here when it was delivered, either! He was able to see logically that there was nothing we could do, and that it would be what it would be. However, for me, all those carefully laid plans had gone completely to pot, and to top it off, I wasn’t even sure all the units would fit in the house.

But for us, it lands a little harder. The mental load of dealing with a school transfer with a new Local Authority, including an EHCP, school refusal and balancing work alongside is a lot. There were tears.

The Things That Actually Help

When everything feels like too much, I’ve learned that my body needs anchoring before my brain can catch up.

For an immediate fix, my Rebel Rituals ‘ADHD as Fuck’ scent, which, while it won’t make me a focused machine, does help give me a hit of clarity when my brain’s gone rogue. SallyAnne is an absolute genius and so relatable in how life as a Neurodivergent peri-menoapusal woman affects us.

Another product I couldn’t be without is NuMind Menopausal Support, a daily supplement which has transformed my sleep and anxiety. While HRT seemed to help those common symptoms, it had no impact at all on, for me, what were the more impactful symptoms. NuMind Menopause Support has given me back a full night’s sleep and reduced anxiety through those brain-busy moments. Life-changing…

I use both of these products myself daily, I shout about them and love the companies behind them. I have affiliate links for both — use code FAY for 10% OFF at Rebel Rituals (AFF Link) and code FAYS20 for 20% OFF at NuMind (AFF Link)

ADHD as Fuck – Rebel Rituals

NuMind Wellness – Menopause Support

Where We’re At Now…

Of course, by the time it arrived, with a little help from my sis (moral support and dog distracting duties) and my essentials, it all went smoothly. The delivery drivers couldn’t have been more helpful, and the units all fit into the dining room… just!

The flooring should be completed by the end of the week, pipes that needed moving have been moved, and the kitchen fitter will arrive next week.

Follow along on Instagram for updates, and come back Friday for Farmhouse Friday #2 — where I’ll be showing you exactly where the kitchen is.

Fay x

28 April 2026
A new chapter, old walls, and why I started over: welcome to How Felicity Finds

I’m currently standing in the chaos that is our ‘kitchen’. The floor is still to be levelled and laid, and the kitchen is due to arrive next week. I’m beginning to wonder why I decided that documenting our Victorian farmhouse renovation and rebranding was a good idea! So many women are reaching their 40s and 50s, getting diagnosed with ADHD and/or navigating menopause — and realising they can’t keep living the way they always have… so they start again. Sound familiar?

The community I built with ADHD Menopause and Me has been amazing. My account was initially set up to support me and my kids through some pretty tough years. We went from a ‘typical’ family to an ND family with diagnoses of Dyslexia, Delayed Processing, ADHD and now Autism. All in the space of 5 years. I was trying to navigate menopause and raise awareness, but I couldn’t understand why I found it so hard. Walking alongside my boys through their diagnosis journeys taught me something unexpected. I was neurodivergent too. Suddenly, a lifetime of feelings I couldn’t explain began to make sense.

My journey looks different now. The boys are older, and life has shifted. But you are still here — and that means everything. I can’t wait to share this next chapter with you.

How We Got Here

Our youngest’s move to secondary school was, in a word, hard. What we’d hoped would be a fresh start quickly revealed itself to be something more significant. His struggles were deeper and more complex than any of us had fully understood.

Over the years that followed, getting him into school at all became the daily battle. Alongside the dyslexia and ADHD we already knew about, it became increasingly clear that he was also autistic with a PDA profile. Once we understand that, so much of what had felt confusing suddenly makes sense. But his difficulties at school were almost secondary to what was happening socially. Too trusting, too easily led, and younger than his years in ways that weren’t always visible on the surface. I watched him begin to form friendships that worried me. Find himself in situations I couldn’t always protect him from.

It was a lot. For him, and for all of us.

At the same time, life was shifting in other ways. Our two eldest had flown the nest, and for the first time in years, there was space. Space to breathe, to think, and to ask what came next. More than a decade earlier, we had built our first home from the ground up, and that itch had never really gone away.

So we made a decision. A deliberate, wholehearted one. We would move somewhere rural, somewhere slower, somewhere that might give Sam a genuine fresh start in an environment that actually suited him — and give us a new project to pour ourselves into, while still being a home our boys could always come back to.

What How Felicity Finds is now

If you’d asked me a year ago what this space was going to become, I’m not sure I could have told you. But standing in the middle of a half-finished Victorian farmhouse in North Yorkshire, covered in renovation dust with an ADHD brain running at full speed and a body doing its best impression of a malfunctioning thermostat, it became pretty clear.

How Felicity Finds is the honest version of this chapter.

It’s the farmhouse — Hall Farm, Victorian, Grade II listed, full of original features and full of renovation challenges I absolutely did not anticipate. I’ll be sharing every step of the restoration here, the wins, the disasters, the moments where we question every decision we’ve ever made. And of course, the ones where we look at an original sash window and remember exactly why we did this.

It’s the village — Thornton-le-Dale is the kind of place you move to and immediately wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. The beck, the countryside, the slower pace of it all. I want to share what rural life actually looks like when you swap a village just outside the busy city of York for somewhere with a slower pace, woodland in your back garden and the North Yorks Moors on your doorstep.

It’s the ND life — I’m AuDHD and menopausal and a mum to three boys who each come with their own version of complex, and I’m not going to pretend any of that is straightforward. The real talk about neurodivergence, perimenopause, and parenting ND kids stays, because it’s part of every single day here, and it deserves to be spoken about honestly.

And it’s the finds — the things that actually help. Products, tools, places, services that make life in this particular messy, beautiful chaos a little more manageable. Always honest, never just because I’ve been asked.

If you’re a woman in your forties navigating a big life change — or dreaming of one — and you want company that doesn’t pretend it’s easy, you are absolutely in the right place.

What’s coming…

I have a lot planned, and for once, the ADHD hyperfocus is working entirely in our favour.

Every Friday, I’ll be posting a Farmhouse Friday update — one room, one decision, one honest account of where we are with the restoration. We’re starting with the bathroom, which is the one space we’ve actually finished, and working our way through the rest of the house in real time. No staged reveals, no waiting until it’s perfect. You’re getting it as it happens.

I’m also putting together a proper guide to Thornton-le-Dale — the walks, the places to eat, the things the locals know that don’t make it onto any tourist website. If you’ve ever thought about making a move like this, I want that guide to be the thing that helps you imagine it for yourself.

And the AuDHD and menopause content isn’t going anywhere. In fact, I’ve got a post coming that I’ve been wanting to write for months about what executive dysfunction actually looks like when you’re also trying to manage a renovation, a family, and a rebrand simultaneously. Spoiler: it looks exactly as chaotic as you’d imagine.

The best way to keep up is to follow along on Instagram at @how_felicity_finds, or subscribe below to get new posts straight to your inbox. No spam, no schedules — just a new post when it’s ready.

This is a new chapter. The walls are old, the floors are (mostly) original, and I am very much a work in progress — but that’s rather the point.

I’m glad you’re here. I hope you stay.

Fay x

20 April 2026
ADHD Jobs – What Suits Us Best?
I originally wrote this post back in April 2023, and I can’t believe how much has happened in 3 small years, and how I’m pretty much back to square one again. Back in 2023, I was looking at senior school places for Sam and possibly full-time work for me. Little did I know that it would be the start of the hardest years both Sam and I have been through, and that, far from being settled in full-time work, I am back to job hunting and still trying to find an educational setting that suits Sam. So are there such things as ADHD jobs? Jobs that are more suited to our ND brains.

ADHD Brains

ADHD brains are very different from neurotypical brains. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental condition that causes differences in the brain related to attention, behaviour, and activity levels, including impulsivity and hyperactivity. Researchers are learning more and more about brain development and ADHD. In fact, research has shown that individuals with ADHD may have areas of the brain that mature more slowly or have different activity levels than a neurotypical brain. Some brain differences may change as a child matures.

Many individuals with ADHD have spent a lot of their lives being told that they are somehow not good enough, or ‘deficient’. Women in particular may have spent all their childhood and a lot of their adulthood undiagnosed, wondering why they have never fully achieved the potential they know they have. It’s so important to realise that ADHD has many positive traits. And actually, employers nowadays are actively seeking our natural talents and personality characteristics.

What we have to offer!

Individuals with ADHD have the following amazing traits:
- Enhanced creativity and imagination
- Greater resilience
- Compassion and empathy
- Greater problem-solving abilities
- Talents for multitasking
- The willingness to help or mentor others
- An enhanced capacity for leadership
- Positive, people-oriented interpersonal skills
- Greater adaptability
- Higher energy
Now you know how amazing you really are, so start thinking about what type of job you might like, or what might suit your specific skill set and traits. There are definitely some jobs that are suited to those with ADHD.

ADHD Friendly Jobs

So just what types of jobs should we be looking at? A main consideration should, of course, be what you are passionate about! We all know that we need to stay interested to keep motivated. That said, the creative, engaging, and interactive professions listed below make the most of ADHD traits such as empathy, energy, enthusiasm, and hyperfocus.
- Teacher / Early Years Practitioner / SENDCO
- Journalist / Copy Editor / Graphic Designer
- Artist / Actor / Stage Manager
- Chef / Restaurant Manager
- Beautician / Hairstylist / Stylist
- Police / Fire Services / Paramedic / Nurse
- Computer Technician / Software Developer
- Small Business Owner / Entrepreneur
A survey twenty years ago (2003) commissioned by BBC2 for Mind of a Millionaire, found evidence that 40% of entrepreneurs are likely to be neurodivergent, four times the national average. More recently, studies have found that individuals with ADHD are significantly more likely to become entrepreneurs.

Moving forward – Living with ADHD

So there we have it, there is a myriad of ADHD-friendly jobs out there for us, we just have to figure out which one we want. Then work ourselves up to applying, and somehow get through the interview #NoPressure. For me, there is still a lot of thinking to do. I love my current job and love who I work with, but I’d like to work more hours and have more flexibility. The thought of entering the job market again is causing me anxiety, though. Is it worth it?

I’d love to hear from any other women out there who have changed careers or jobs after being late diagnosed with ADHD. How did you find it? Did you relish the change?

Fay x

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10 April 2026
Intrusive Thoughts – What Are They and Why Do We Get Them
trigger warning – #self-harm #suicidalideation #Homicidalideations #SExualviolence

Intrusive thoughts are a common symptom of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). However, they can also be triggered by menopause. But what exactly are negative thoughts, why do we get them, and what do they mean?

What are Intrusive Thoughts?

Intrusive thoughts are distressing and unwanted thoughts, images or urges that suddenly pop into your mind. They can be very varied, but usually take the form of:

Doubts: “What if my baby stopped breathing?” “What if I shook the baby?”

Images: The image of the house burning down because the hair straighteners were not switched off.

Impulses: Urge to crash into the car in front of you, urge to hit your baby when they won’t stop crying.

Thoughts: “The kitchen surfaces must be disinfected before I cook”, “Everything must be in the right place before I leave the house.”

ADHD & Intrusive Thoughts

Having an inattentive brain can make us vulnerable to experiencing obsessive and repetitive thoughts. People with the Inattentive Type of ADHD often find their minds wandering elsewhere and forget what they are doing or where they are going. In contrast, the thoughts of a hyperactive ADHD brain may be more aggressive or intrusive than those of a neurotypical brain.

This blog post by the Mini ADHD Coach explains exactly why it happens to us.

Menopause & Intrusive Thoughts

Since the body experiences vital hormonal changes, menopause directly impacts mental and emotional well-being. Intrusive thoughts can become commonplace during menopause as hormone levels are falling. This can lead to feelings of worry, fear and sadness, which can cause distress. Night terrors can also become commonplace. Some women also feel suicidal, but often without feeling the need to act on it.

My Story

It’s still rarely talked about due to its darker nature. Consequently, many of us believe we are alone in these thoughts, which exacerbates feelings of shame and guilt.

My earliest memory of intrusive thoughts was as a teenager. I remember thoughts would just come into my head about harming others, about being raped, and about harming myself. I had no idea what these were and was so ashamed that I never mentioned them to anyone.

When I became a mother, and my PND (now known as undiagnosed ADHD) was at its worst, the thoughts returned and were very much based around my boys and harm to them, or my ability to be a mother and why I should be there.

A recent study of new mothers showed that 100 per cent of new mums had worrying thoughts about their baby being harmed accidentally, and 50 per cent had worrying thoughts about harming their baby in some way. These thoughts were the most worrying for new mums.

When menopause hit, the intrusive thoughts returned with a vengeance. Thoughts of driving the car at speed into the middle barrier, suicidal thoughts, and thoughts about my boys being harmed or killed when they were out were all commonplace at one point.

Why Do Intrusive Thoughts Happen?

The exact reasons why intrusive thoughts happen are still being researched, but there are a few main theories:
- Misfiring Brain Circuits: One theory suggests that intrusive thoughts might be caused by temporary glitches in the brain circuits involved in processing thoughts and emotions. These misfires could lead to unwanted thoughts popping into your head.
- Evolved Defence Mechanism: Another theory proposes that intrusive thoughts might be an evolutionary leftover. Perhaps they stem from a primal urge to identify and avoid potential dangers. However, in the modern world, these thoughts can become exaggerated or irrelevant, causing distress.
- Attention and Anxiety: Obsessive thoughts can also be linked to how we pay attention. When we focus on avoiding a particular thought, it can ironically make it more likely to appear. Additionally, anxiety and stress can make us more aware of our thoughts, amplifying the presence of intrusive ones.
What Do Intrusive Thoughts Mean?

Intrusive thoughts themselves don’t necessarily have a deep meaning. They are simply unwanted thoughts, images, or urges that pop into your head and can be quite disturbing or upsetting.

Here’s what intrusive thoughts don’t mean:
- They don’t mean you’re a bad person: Having these kinds of thoughts doesn’t reflect your morality or character. Most people experience them, and the content itself doesn’t define you.
- They don’t mean you’ll act on them: The overwhelming majority of people with intrusive thoughts never act on them. The thoughts are distressing precisely because they go against your values.
For me, getting my sleep sorted, getting the right HRT sorted, and trying to reduce the stress in my life have helped enormously. Although recently I’ve noticed a return. For me, though, the biggest help is knowing that they are not a reflection of me personally and that I’m not alone.

Do you suffer from? How do you deal with it?

Fay x

NB: If intrusive thoughts become overwhelming or significantly disrupt your daily life, please seek professional help.

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ADHD Action UK

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ADDitude (additudemag.com)
10 April 2026
The Complex Trio: How ADHD, Autism, and Menopause Impact Sleep
The Complex Trio: How ADHD, Autism, and Menopause Impact Sleep

For many women (myself included), menopause brings a wave of changes, and disrupted sleep is often a frustrating symptom. I found it to be the hardest symptom of menopause to cope with, and HRT didn’t help. But what if you also have to navigate the complexities of ADHD or autism? This trifecta can create a perfect storm for sleep issues. Here’s why and what you can do to reclaim restful nights.

The Science Behind Sleep Disruption:
- Menopause and Sleep: Fluctuations in estrogen and progesterone during menopause can disrupt the body’s natural sleep-wake cycle, leading to hot flashes, night sweats, and difficulty falling asleep¹
- ADHD and Sleep: People with ADHD often experience hyperarousal, making it difficult to wind down before bed. Additionally, sleep problems can worsen ADHD symptoms, like inattention and impulsivity
- Autism and Sleep: Sensory sensitivities and social anxiety can make it challenging to relax and fall asleep. Disruptions in routine, a common feature of autism, can further exacerbate sleep problems.
The Interconnected Web:

These conditions can create a vicious cycle. Poor sleep can worsen ADHD symptoms like inattention and impulsivity, making it harder to manage daily tasks and stress, which can then further disrupt sleep. Similarly, sleep deprivation can exacerbate anxiety and sensory sensitivities in individuals with autism.

Strategies for a More Restful You:
- Establish a Consistent Sleep Schedule: Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day, even on weekends, to regulate your body’s natural sleep-wake cycle².
- Create a Relaxing Bedtime Routine: Develop a calming pre-sleep ritual that includes taking a warm bath, reading a book, or practising gentle stretches.
- Optimise Your Sleep Environment: Make your bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. Invest in blackout curtains, earplugs, and a comfortable mattress³.
- Manage Menopausal Symptoms: Talk to your doctor about options to manage hot flashes and night sweats, such as hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or lifestyle modifications like avoiding caffeine and spicy foods before bed⁴.
- Address Underlying ADHD/Autism Needs: Consider cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) to manage ADHD symptoms and build healthy sleep habits. For individuals with autism, addressing sensory sensitivities and creating predictable routines can promote better sleep.
- Light and Exercise: Get regular exposure to natural light during the day, but avoid screens in the evening. Regular exercise, ideally several hours before bedtime, can improve sleep quality.
What helped me:

While HRT did get rid of the night sweats pretty much immediately, I still really struggled with sleep. It was definitely the most debilitating symptom of menopause, which I now know was due to my ADHD, too. Over the last 8 years, I’ve tried a lot of aids to try and help. The two below ensure I always have a great night’s sleep.
- This Works Sleep Plus Pillow Spray: A supersized, fast-acting, motion-activated sleep spray for restless sleepers. 99% natural with encapsulated Lavender, Camomile and Vetivert essential oils, shown to help restore normal sleep patterns. I cannot recommend this highly enough for helping you just get off to sleep every evening. £38.00, 100ml.
- Nu Mind Wellness Menopause Supplement: #AFF An all-in-one formula combines 40 scientifically backed ingredients expertly blended to effectively manage the symptoms of perimenopause, menopause & beyond. One daily sachet delivers 6 powerful formulas – a multivitamin, minerals, adaptogens, flower remedies, menopause support blend and more – working together to help you reclaim your calm during menopause. This, for me, was an absolute game-changer and has transformed my sleep! I couldn’t be without these supplements. £74.99, 30-day supply (or save 25% using my affiliate link above).
Remember, you’re not alone! Millions of women navigate this complex web of challenges. By understanding the connections between ADHD, autism, menopause, and sleep, you can implement strategies to promote better rest and reclaim your well-being.

Fay x
8 December 2025
Jobs for People with ADHD
ADHD Strengths

Prevalence of ADHD in adults in the UK

NHS data suggests that around 3-4% of UK adults may have ADHD, although diagnosis rates are lower than this. Furthermore, due to greater awareness and improved access to health services, diagnoses are increasing. However, there are still long waiting lists across the UK, even within private diagnostic services. Historically, ADHD was more commonly diagnosed in children, but the demand for adult assessments has surged in recent years. If like me, you spent years moving from job to job/promotion to promotion, suddenly things make sense. Perfectionism, Rejection Sensitivity and Impulsivity are just some symptoms that don’t make sticking to the same job easy. So, are there such things as jobs for people with ADHD?

ADHD Symptoms

There are three presentations of ADHD (detailed here) and symptoms can vary greatly from person to person. There are also specific stages in life where symptoms can be exacerbated such as puberty for both sexes; and post-childbirth and menopause for women. Many women have lived the majority of their lives being misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression. They then find when they hit menopause (coincidently when their children may have not long been diagnosed themselves) that life becomes unbearably difficult.

According to research, around 50-75% of women with ADHD are undiagnosed in childhood, often struggling with symptoms that are masked by coping mechanisms or misinterpreted as personality traits like being forgetful or disorganised. However, late diagnosis continues due to lingering misconceptions about how ADHD presents differently in males and females.

ADHD Strengths

We now know that neurodivergence brings with it some specific skills. What is even more exciting is that these skills are now highly sought after in the workplace! But what are those skills, how can you set yourself apart for NTs (neurotypicals) in the job market?
- Ability to stay focused on a topic or activity of interest for long periods.
- Outside-the-box thinking, which can lead to innovative solutions to challenges.
- Strong observational skills and attention to detail.
- Superior ability to recognise patterns, including in codes and behaviours.
- Strong skills in areas such as music, art, technology, and science.
Examples of Jobs for adults with ADHD

Here are some job suggestions that align with your strengths, making them a good fit for individuals with ADHD:
1. Creative Fields:
  - Graphic Designer
  - Photographer
  - Writer/Journalist
  - Marketing Specialist
  - Video Editor
2. Entrepreneurship:
  - Freelancer (design, writing, consulting, etc.)
  - Small Business Owner
3. Fast-paced or Physical Jobs:
  - Event Planner
  - Chef or Cook
  - Paramedic
  - Sales Representative
  - Personal Trainer
4. Helping Professions:
  - Teacher (particularly special education and early education)
  - Therapist or Counselor
  - Social Worker
  - Nurse
5. Tech & Engineering:
  - Software Developer
  - IT Specialist
  - Data Analyst
6. Project-based Work:
  - Consultant
  - Architect
  - Researcher
  - Project Manager
7. Outdoor or Active Work:
  - Landscape Gardener
  - Construction Worker
  - Gamekeeper
  - Land Manager / Park Ranger
It’s important to consider environments that provide flexibility, and clear structure when needed. Finding a career that plays to your strengths, can lead to long-term satisfaction and success.

Fay x
16 October 2024