How Felicity Finds

Category: Family Life

  • I had postnatal depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and no idea the two were connected. This is what happened — and why it matters for every woman diagnosed too late.

    I had postnatal depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and no idea the two were connected. This is what happened — and why it matters for every woman diagnosed too late.

    This post discusses postnatal depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and suicidal crisis. If you are struggling right now, please reach out to PANDAS on 0808 1961 776 or Samaritans on 116 123 before reading on. You are not alone.

    Maternal Mental Health Week: the ADHD and PND connection that almost cost me my life.

    As I sit in the new house, surrounded by chaos yet warmed by a hot cup of tea, I can reflect on how far I’ve come. Almost two decades ago, I was in a very different place. But this isn’t meant to be a sad story, far from it. This is a story of a mother with undiagnosed adhd and postnatal depression, who fought hard, coming out not only stronger, but gentler on herself too.

    With two boys under two, I found motherhood hard. I wasn’t a confident mum, but at least by the time I had my second, I had a bit of a routine going. Looking back, I can totally see the signs of the AuDHD. I clung to Gina Ford and the routine, but I also found it hard to organise myself and the boys. I couldn’t do more than 1 ‘thing’ in a day, and looked in awe and horror at friends who could visit friends and family, and fit in an activity all in the same day. But as the months went on, any feelings I had started to become numb, and any joy that had been there had gone.

    Not an easy journey

    I was lonely; I had moved away from family and friends, and didn’t drive at the time. And with two under two, it wasn’t the easiest to get on a bus and go out. I withdrew and spent more and more time at home. My husband had a busy social life playing golf and squash, so he would be out a lot of evenings and weekends. I knew it would be tiring, but it was beyond that; I was exhausted, constantly. I quite often felt as if I wasn’t really there, or felt nothing at all. Feeling so alone, so out of my depth, and so miserable, utterly, utterly miserable, at what should be one of the happiest moments of your life.

    Over the coming months, nothing seemed to get easier; I was still struggling, still found the day-to-day difficult. Still felt nothing. I began clawing at my skin to try and feel something. My forehead was often raw and bleeding, covered by a long fringe. I began to question everything, especially my ability to be a good mother and wife. I had very little contact with friends and family and hid away from the world. The final straw was not being able to attend a family event because the OH was playing golf. That night was my lowest point, and I honestly felt that everyone would be better off without me.

    A wake-up call – literally!

    I woke the next morning, which I wasn’t expecting at all. The weight of what had happened hit home immediately, and I knew I needed to get help. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and immediately put on antidepressants and went to therapy. At this point, the connection to ADHD hadn’t been made. We all still saw it as something that affected young boys. And while we are now talking much more about the connection between the hormonal shift of perimenopause and ADHD, we still talk less about the connection between PND and ADHD. I wish I’d known then what I know now about the hormone crash and the dopamine dysregulation, the specific vulnerability of undiagnosed ADHD women in the postpartum period.

    Women with ADHD are significantly more likely to experience severe postpartum mental health difficulties. And girls are consistently diagnosed later than boys — often not until adulthood, often not until a crisis. The cost of that delay is not academic. Consistently conducted research shows that oestrogen plays a significant role in dopamine regulation. The crash in oestrogen after birth is particularly hard for women with ADHD, diagnosed or not. There is a direct correlation between estrogen and dopamine levels, as this article from ADDitude shows.

    ADHD and postnatal depression

    Not only does the postpartum period exacerbate the symptoms of ADHD, but women with ADHD are at significantly elevated risk of postnatal depression. The combination of sleep deprivation, hormonal disruption, and sensory overload creates a ‘perfect storm’ for women who are already working harder than most to manage. The PANDAS Foundation has some fantastic resources on this very topic.

    For me, the recovery was slow, but by the time I had my third child, 7 years later, I was armed with knowledge. I still didn’t know then about my AuDHD, but I was confident and aware enough to be gentler on myself. To understand that, I found parenthood, for whatever reason, harder than most. Who knows what that early experience would have been like for me (and the boys) had I been armed with a diagnosis and support. We know that women who have a diagnosis report significant improvement in self-understanding, self-compassion and feel able to ask for support.

    Research and awareness

    If we can improve research and continue to raise awareness, we can ensure diagnosis before motherhood. So new mothers with ADHD can enter the postpartum period with awareness, coping strategies and support from family, friends and healthcare professionals. That is not a small thing. For some women, it would be the difference between surviving and not.

    Now, nearly 20 years later, it took my youngest’s journey with AuDHD, and me hitting perimenopause, to realise my own diagnosis of AuDHD. Suddenly, everything made sense. The periods of major hormonal fluctuations in a woman’s life were all the times when I had particularly struggled. If you are currently struggling, know you are not alone, and be kind to yourself. There is support available now (see the resources at the end of this article). If you, like me, are now coming/or are out the other end, well done! It wasn’t easy, but we are stronger because of it.

    This is my direct call to healthcare professionals, GPs, CAMHs, etc., to really take note of the importance of early diagnosis, especially in women and girls. It’s not something that will just help them as they get older; it could literally save their lives.

    Fay x

    If anything in this post has resonated with you, or if you are struggling with your mental health right now, please reach out. You do not have to manage this alone.

    In crisis now: Samaritans — 116 123 (free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week) or samaritans.org

    Postnatal depression support: PANDAS Foundation — 0808 1961 776 or pandasfoundation.org.uk

    ADHD diagnosis and support: ADHD UK — adhduk.co.uk | ADHD Foundation — adhdfoundation.org.uk

    Maternal mental health: Association for Postnatal Illness — apni.org

    For neurodivergent women specifically: Neurodivergent Women — neurodivergent-women.org

    If you think you or someone you love may have undiagnosed ADHD, please speak to your GP. You deserve a diagnosis. You deserve the right support. And if your GP doesn’t listen, you are entitled to ask again.

  • A new chapter, old walls, and why I started over: welcome to How Felicity Finds

    A new chapter, old walls, and why I started over: welcome to How Felicity Finds

    I’m currently standing in the chaos that is our ‘kitchen’. The floor is still to be levelled and laid, and the kitchen is due to arrive next week. I’m beginning to wonder why I decided that documenting our Victorian farmhouse renovation and rebranding was a good idea! So many women are reaching their 40s and 50s, getting diagnosed with ADHD and/or navigating menopause — and realising they can’t keep living the way they always have… so they start again. Sound familiar?

    The community I built with ADHD Menopause and Me has been amazing. My account was initially set up to support me and my kids through some pretty tough years. We went from a ‘typical’ family to an ND family with diagnoses of Dyslexia, Delayed Processing, ADHD and now Autism. All in the space of 5 years. I was trying to navigate menopause and raise awareness, but I couldn’t understand why I found it so hard. Walking alongside my boys through their diagnosis journeys taught me something unexpected. I was neurodivergent too. Suddenly, a lifetime of feelings I couldn’t explain began to make sense.

    My journey looks different now. The boys are older, and life has shifted. But you are still here — and that means everything. I can’t wait to share this next chapter with you.

    How We Got Here

    Our youngest’s move to secondary school was, in a word, hard. What we’d hoped would be a fresh start quickly revealed itself to be something more significant. His struggles were deeper and more complex than any of us had fully understood.

    Over the years that followed, getting him into school at all became the daily battle. Alongside the dyslexia and ADHD we already knew about, it became increasingly clear that he was also autistic with a PDA profile. Once we understand that, so much of what had felt confusing suddenly makes sense. But his difficulties at school were almost secondary to what was happening socially. Too trusting, too easily led, and younger than his years in ways that weren’t always visible on the surface. I watched him begin to form friendships that worried me. Find himself in situations I couldn’t always protect him from.

    It was a lot. For him, and for all of us.

    At the same time, life was shifting in other ways. Our two eldest had flown the nest, and for the first time in years, there was space. Space to breathe, to think, and to ask what came next. More than a decade earlier, we had built our first home from the ground up, and that itch had never really gone away.

    So we made a decision. A deliberate, wholehearted one. We would move somewhere rural, somewhere slower, somewhere that might give Sam a genuine fresh start in an environment that actually suited him — and give us a new project to pour ourselves into, while still being a home our boys could always come back to.

    What How Felicity Finds is now

    If you’d asked me a year ago what this space was going to become, I’m not sure I could have told you. But standing in the middle of a half-finished Victorian farmhouse in North Yorkshire, covered in renovation dust with an ADHD brain running at full speed and a body doing its best impression of a malfunctioning thermostat, it became pretty clear.

    How Felicity Finds is the honest version of this chapter.

    It’s the farmhouse — Hall Farm, Victorian, Grade II listed, full of original features and full of renovation challenges I absolutely did not anticipate. I’ll be sharing every step of the restoration here, the wins, the disasters, the moments where we question every decision we’ve ever made. And of course, the ones where we look at an original sash window and remember exactly why we did this.

    It’s the village — Thornton-le-Dale is the kind of place you move to and immediately wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. The beck, the countryside, the slower pace of it all. I want to share what rural life actually looks like when you swap a village just outside the busy city of York for somewhere with a slower pace, woodland in your back garden and the North Yorks Moors on your doorstep.

    It’s the ND life — I’m AuDHD and menopausal and a mum to three boys who each come with their own version of complex, and I’m not going to pretend any of that is straightforward. The real talk about neurodivergence, perimenopause, and parenting ND kids stays, because it’s part of every single day here, and it deserves to be spoken about honestly.

    And it’s the finds — the things that actually help. Products, tools, places, services that make life in this particular messy, beautiful chaos a little more manageable. Always honest, never just because I’ve been asked.

    If you’re a woman in your forties navigating a big life change — or dreaming of one — and you want company that doesn’t pretend it’s easy, you are absolutely in the right place.

    What’s coming…

    I have a lot planned, and for once, the ADHD hyperfocus is working entirely in our favour.

    Every Friday, I’ll be posting a Farmhouse Friday update — one room, one decision, one honest account of where we are with the restoration. We’re starting with the bathroom, which is the one space we’ve actually finished, and working our way through the rest of the house in real time. No staged reveals, no waiting until it’s perfect. You’re getting it as it happens.

    I’m also putting together a proper guide to Thornton-le-Dale — the walks, the places to eat, the things the locals know that don’t make it onto any tourist website. If you’ve ever thought about making a move like this, I want that guide to be the thing that helps you imagine it for yourself.

    And the AuDHD and menopause content isn’t going anywhere. In fact, I’ve got a post coming that I’ve been wanting to write for months about what executive dysfunction actually looks like when you’re also trying to manage a renovation, a family, and a rebrand simultaneously. Spoiler: it looks exactly as chaotic as you’d imagine.

    The best way to keep up is to follow along on Instagram at @how_felicity_finds, or subscribe below to get new posts straight to your inbox. No spam, no schedules — just a new post when it’s ready.

    This is a new chapter. The walls are old, the floors are (mostly) original, and I am very much a work in progress — but that’s rather the point.

    I’m glad you’re here. I hope you stay.

    Fay x

  • 5 Achievements I’m Most Proud of in 2025 (And What They Taught Me)

    5 Achievements I’m Most Proud of in 2025 (And What They Taught Me)

    The 5 Biggest Wins of My 2025 — A Year I’ll Never Forget

    As the year draws to an end, it seems only natural to reflect on what has passed and what may follow. 2025, for various reasons, has been quite a year for us, both good and bad. But on the last day of my 51st year, I’m manifesting that 2026 is the year that brings growth, both personally, professionally and financially.

    I am not one for dwelling on the past or having regrets, as we literally cannot change the past. To me, everything we go through is a lesson that we need to learn from and grow within ourselves. And I’ve certainly learnt a lot this year. So, I thought, what better than to reflect on my personal achievements for 2025!

    Lessons Learned in 2025

    To be ‘That’ Parent

    This has been a particularly hard lesson to learn, and probably taken the longest so far. Raised in the years where we were brought up to be people pleasers, and with a severe case of RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), I was never very good at speaking up for myself. So when I became a mother, this trait seemed to follow. Now, while I know my two eldest have different needs, they were very much manageable and so therefore weren’t truly apparent until later in life. We seemed to naturally find coping strategies and skills to help them navigate life.

    My youngest, on the other hand, had much higher needs, which were apparent from the moment he started school. At the time, I worked at an independent school, and so he was able to attend Junior School there. This meant smaller class sizes, individualised lessons and support. So again, whilst his struggles were greater, they were still ‘manageable’. Until they weren’t…

    Somewhere around Year 5/6, when the pressure began to increase, the workload became a little more and expectations grew, we began to lose the happy boy we all knew. Meltdowns were commonplace, GP and CAMHS appointments became the norm, and suddenly, we were on the road to an EHCP (Educational Health Care Plan).

    The next two years were tough as we navigated a few months at mainstream, then years of school avoidance. Becoming ‘THAT’ parent ultimately gained him a place at a specialist school. I still find it difficult, I won’t deny that, but luckily, my RSD has actually helped. Determined not to be ‘found out’, I read up on all things neurodivergent. Taking it even further and gaining my Level 3 SEND Law qualification with the IPSEA charity. I might still be uncomfortable speaking up for my son, but I’m confident in my knowledge, and I won’t stop fighting!

    Lesson Learnt: When needed, you are stronger than you realise!

    My kids come first, always!

    Another side of being a people pleaser is always doing everything for everyone else. It’s often just to keep others comfortable. Again, because the eldest two needs being less, we’ve been lucky and didn’t have to make too many sacrifices. However, I now see the two eldest only at holidays, really, so I cherish the time I have with them. And Sam’s needs have always been greater, so recently we really have had to sacrifice and cut back on things we would have previously taken for granted.

    Holidays tend to be quite difficult, as all our boys are very different, and finding something they all like is tough. My prerequisite is always going to be, if my kids are happy, then I’m happy. So now, more often, we look at separate holidays, shorter breaks and balancing it out over the year.

    When it comes to social events, I no longer insist on my kids being there. If they don’t want to go to something, then I won’t make them, and will give my apologies. If my youngest wants to go, but then finds it too overwhelming, then I’ll make our excuses and leave. Obviously, there are certain family obligations that are non-negotiable for the eldest two – funerals, weddings, etc. – but even then their jobs/studies mean they can’t walys make anyway. But for Sam, we deal with everything as non-committal and see how he is in himself on the day.

    Lesson Learnt: Acknowledge your kids’ struggles, ensure they aren’t masking (as we spent our lives doing).

    To go a little easier on myself

    I have spent too many years feeling like the worst daughter, the worst student, the worst friend, the worst employee and the worst mum. It has truly taken till this year and understanding my brain so much more, to be able to forgive myself.

    Life is too short to worry about what other people think, and there will always be people who will judge you (no matter what), so why judge yourself on top of that? One of my favourite tattoos is the song lyric from Tupac’s song of the same name: “Only god can judge me.”

    Now in 2025, my circle is small, I no longer crave outside approval, I am comfortable in my skin and have no desire to be liked by everyone. My brain is how it is; I cannot change that. Now, I work with it and ensure that I know my limits. I’m not perfect, and no one is, but I know that I’m the best version of myself.

    Lesson Learnt: Never stop learning, but understand your limits, they are not faults or flaws!

    PDA is a whole other ball game!

    When I first realised Sam might have demand-avoidant traits, I knew already that it presented differently. I just wasn’t prepared for how hard it would actually be to be in that moment. Every natural reaction is push harder, become stricter, impose more rules, but actually it doesn’t work. All that happens is your child is more dysregulated, and usually, you end up the same, too!

    I can’t tell you the number of years I spent sobbing on the stairs as I tried to coax him into school. The number of times I pushed harder, only to be met with screams and physical violence. How I’d have to watch my child get to such a state of despair that he would threaten suicide.

    It’s interesting, as soon as you begin to look at demand avoidance, you realise just how many everyday tasks we all take for granted are seen as demands: getting up, getting dressed, going to school, chores, pretty much everything you can think of. My biggest lesson was learning not to gentle parent as such, but how to re-frame how I spoke to Sam and how we worked together to deal with the tough times. Even when it seemed easy to others…

    Lesson Learnt: Watch your child’s behaviours, they are communicating their struggles, not obstinacy.

    Saying NO is a necessity

    I have spent years not fully understanding why I would/could only commit to one ‘thing’ a day. That weekends were a recovery from the week, rather than a restful break and catch-up. Unknown to me, I was protecting myself from overwhelm without realising.

    But gradually, being a people pleaser meant I found myself taking on more and more, at work and personally. Not able to see the overwhelm creep up till it was too late, and then I’d spend days on the sofa, barely able to speak.

    This year, with all of the above and growing work pressures, I’ve ended up pushing myself to the point of burnout. Having to be signed off work and re-look at my lifestyle and make major changes. I’ve always found it hard to say no to people and set boundaries, but this year I’ve had to; it literally was the difference between surviving and not.

    Lesson Learnt: It is not rude to turn down an invite or take a step back from obligations.

    2025: The Year for Personal Achievements

    This year, I chose to focus on personal achievements, rather than what I may have previously viewed as failings. 2026, like 2025, will be the same. Focus on the positive and learn from the negative.

    How has your 2025 been, and how do you intend to move into 2026?

    Fay x

  • The Ultimate Family Life Guide to Thriving at Home (For Neurodiverse Families)

    The Ultimate Family Life Guide to Thriving at Home (For Neurodiverse Families)

    Thriving Together in a Neurodiverse Home

    Family life looks different for everyone — especially in a neurodiverse household, where each member brings unique strengths, needs, and ways of experiencing the world. If there is one thing I’ve learnt over the past 20 years, creating a thriving home isn’t about perfection; it’s about designing systems, spaces, and rhythms that support everyone’s brains and bodies.

    This guide explores practical, compassionate ways to build balance — whether you’re parenting children with ADHD or autism, managing your own executive function, or simply seeking a calmer, more connected home environment.

    At the moment, we dont have a norm. For the past 3 years since our youngest started secondary school, we’ve been dealing with EBSA (Emotionally Based School Avoidance) and trying to find him the right learning environment. Alongside that we have two older boys who are at University and in the Army, their trips home are infrequent and can be short notice. Oh, and of course, we decided to add into the mix the purchase and renovation of our beautiful grade 11 listed home in Thornton Le Dale just for fun.

    1. Understanding Neurodiverse Family Life

    No two neurodiverse families are the same, but there are common threads that can help shape a supportive environment. Neurodiversity includes differences such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, learning and sensory processing differences — all of which influence how we communicate, plan, and interact.

    Key Principles:

    • Celebrate strengths: Every family member brings unique problem-solving abilities, creativity, or focus areas.
    • Prioritise predictability: Consistent routines reduce anxiety and decision fatigue. This really helps us!
    • Support sensory regulation: Lighting, textures, and noise levels deeply affect how safe and comfortable everyone feels.
    • Reduce judgement: “Normal” doesn’t exist — build systems that work for your family, not anyone else’s. It took me a long time to learn not to care about what other people think.

    2. Designing a Neurodiverse-Friendly Home

    A home that helps your family thrive doesn’t need to be minimalist or “perfectly tidy”, in fact it rarely will be. It needs to be functional, flexible, and soothing.

    Sensory-Aware Spaces

    • Use soft lighting and dimmable bulbs to reduce visual overstimulation.
    • Create quiet corners or “retreat zones” for decompression after school or work.
    • Add weighted blankets, beanbags, or swings to meet sensory regulation needs.
    • Avoid strong synthetic scents or flickering lights.

    Organisation Systems that Actually Work

    Traditional systems often fail neurodiverse families because they rely on sustained executive function.

    Instead:

    • Label drawers and storage using visual cues (icons or photos).
    • Use clear bins for visibility.
    • Keep duplicates of key items (chargers, school jumpers) to reduce panic moments.
    • Use colour coding for family schedules.

    In our old home I had a ‘whiteboard’ wall planner (approx 3m x 2m) for the whole month, each member of the family had a different colour and all activities, work commitments, events etc. were written on there. It worked so well for us! We won’t have the room in the new house, so I’ll have to figure out something new… we might go digital!

    3. Building Realistic Family Routines

    Routines are the backbone of neurodiverse family life — but they must be flexible, not rigid.

    Tips for Sustainable Structure

    • Visual timetables or whiteboard schedules work better than verbal reminders.
    • Create “transition rituals” — small, predictable actions that help switch between tasks (e.g. a snack before school or a cuppa after work). Even the smallest transition can be triggering.
    • Keep “buffer time” between commitments; rushing triggers stress responses. Try not to make last minute changes where absolutely possible.
    • Use tech wisely: set smart reminders, shared calendars, and Alexa routines to externalise memory tasks.

    Morning & Evening Frameworks

    • Mornings: Minimise choices. Pre-pack bags and lay out clothes the night before.
    • Evenings: Establish a predictable wind-down sequence (screens off, soft light, calming activities).

    School bags were always packed the night before and even I laid out my clothes for the next day. However, when I hit peri-menopause and my symptoms were exarcebated, meant I struggled to cope with the routines we used to follow. Luckily, with our youngest’s needs being much higher, then we had to reduced expectations even more, which has allowed me to do the same, so we just about manage. And when we don’t, that’s okay, it’s not the end of the world!

    4. Communication and Emotional Regulation

    Open communication is essential in neurodiverse families — but it’s not always straightforward.

    Strategies for Connection

    • Use clear, literal language; avoid idioms that can confuse.
    • Encourage emotion naming using visual charts or “feelings thermometers.”
    • Model repair: it’s okay to apologise and reset after conflict.
    • Validate rather than minimise feelings — especially around sensory overload or frustration.

    Creating emotional safety means everyone knows they can express themselves without fear of shame.

    When our youngest was overwhelmed and dysregulated, he would begin to shut down and couldn’t verbalise how he felt. I found having visual charts and cards invauable to let him show me how he was feeling.

    5. Supporting Executive Function (for Kids & Adults)

    Executive function challenges — planning, organising, time management — are common in neurodiverse families.

    Instead of fighting them, design external systems that reduce mental load.

    Helpful Tools

    • Whiteboards or magnetic planners for shared visibility.
    • Timers or time-blocking apps to manage transitions.
    • Checklists for recurring tasks (morning routine, weekly reset).
    • Body doubling — working alongside another person to maintain focus.

    We pretty much used all of these, but visual checklists for self-care tasks were especially useful on a morning. And as we moved into the teen years then setting ‘times’ for app down-time etc. really helped signal transitions.

    6. Balancing Family Energy and Self-Care

    When one family member is dysregulated, it often ripples through everyone else.

    This makes self-care not optional, but essential.

    Family Self-Regulation Ideas:

    • Schedule quiet recovery days after social or sensory-heavy events.
    • Encourage parallel play or “alone together” time for downtime.
    • Parents: model rest. Your calm nervous system anchors the household. My kids will absolutely pick up on when one or both of us are stressed/dysregulated.

    I must admit this is probably one of the hardest thing for me. I rarely get time for myself, and a lot of my time is spent looking after others. I do make sure that at least once a week I have catch up drinks with either a friend or family. No phones, no computer, just a cold glass of Cava and good company!

    7. Embracing Joy and Imperfection

    Thriving at home doesn’t mean perfect systems or Instagram-worthy organisation.

    It means everyone feels seen, safe, and supported.
    Embrace humour, celebrate small wins, and recognise that the most meaningful progress often comes from learning together through chaos.

    Quite often the carefully curated image on Instagram, fails to show the absolute carnage that is either underneath or behind the shot! I keep that for the stories, but I will always show the reality too.

    Redefining “Thriving” for Neurodiverse Families

    A thriving neurodiverse family home is one built on understanding, compassion, and creativity — not conformity.
    When you design your routines, spaces, and systems around your family’s real needs, you unlock more energy for joy, connection, and growth.

    You don’t have to fit into the world’s definition of balance — you can build your own.

  • 5 Tips To Improve Your Mood Everyday

    5 Tips To Improve Your Mood Everyday

    Improve Your Mood Every Day

    Some days, life is easy, life is good, and everything seems bright.  But living with a mental health condition, neurodivergent brain or parenting a SEN child, can mean a lot of days aren’t easy, aren’t good and really don’t seem bright at all.

    It is estimated that around 1 in 5 of the world’s children and adolescents have a mental illness*. Depression is one of the leading causes of disability, affecting 264 million people*.  And almost a quarter of adults living under lockdown in the UK have felt loneliness, raising concern about the long-term risk to mental health**.

    *Source: WHO

    ** Source: MentalHealth.Org

    The significance of mental well-being and knowing how to improve your mood daily has never been more important, for ourselves and for our kids…

    5 Tips To Improve Your Mood Every Day

    1. Connect with People

    Good relationships are a great way to improve your mood and help your mental well-being. There are lots of things you could try to help build stronger and closer relationships.  Call a friend you haven’t spoken to for a while.  Sit down with the family for dinner.  Volunteering in your local community is a great way to help and connect with new people at the same time.

    2. Mindfulness

    There has been a lot of talk about mindfulness over the last few years.  Basically, it’s all about appreciating the present. This includes your thoughts and feelings as well as the world around you.  Practising mindfulness can improve your mood every day and is a great coping strategy for anxiety, depression and stress.

    From keeping a journal to meditation, read more about mindfulness and how to practise every day.

    3. Get Active

    Exercise is not only great for your physical well-being but also a great way to improve your mood.  Whatever takes your fancy.  So if going to the gym and pumping iron for several hours is your thing, then do that.  If cycling, swimming, or tennis is your thing, then do that.  There is so much available online nowadays that you don’t even have to leave the house to stay active.  However, even something as simple as taking a daily walk for 10/15 mins a day.

    For some simple free ideas to get active, click here.

    4. Learn a New Skill

    Studies show that learning a new skill can also improve your mood.  Giving you a sense of purpose and boosting your self-confidence.  This doesn’t need to be a whole new hobby; there are lots of different ways to learn a new skill.

    It can be as simple as learning to cook a new dish or redecorating a room at home.  Maybe you have always fancied learning a musical instrument.  Or maybe go back to college and take a class in something you’ve always wanted to learn more about.

    5. Give To Others

    One of the easiest and most rewarding ways to improve your mood daily is to give to others.  This can be the simplest act of kindness, like a smile or paying a compliment to someone on the street.  Or maybe check on an elderly neighbour and check if they need anything.

    If you’d like to do more, then why not look for ways to volunteer in your local community?  Maybe work some hours in a local charity shop, donate food or time to your local food bank.

    It really isn’t easy to improve your mood sometimes, especially when you are stuck in a rut or at a low point.  But making that effort to do even the littlest of things once a day can make all the difference.  We can do this, together.

    Fay x

    The mental health charity Mind also offers information about the 5 ways to well-being.

    If you are worried about yourself or someone you love, then please check out this NHS list of helplines and support groups.

  • Emotionally Based School Avoidance – All in the Mind?

    Emotionally Based School Avoidance – All in the Mind?

    Emotionally Based School Avoidance – All in the Mind?

    In comparison to the end of last week, when Sam visited his new school and spent some time in class. This week was the complete opposite. I knew very little about Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) until last year when Sam had issues accessing school. ESBA is a term used to describe children and young people who experience significant difficulties attending school due to negative emotions and anxieties.

    Here’s a breakdown of ESBA:

    • Emotional Triggers: Anxiety, fear, or other negative emotions are the main reasons a child avoids school.
    • Difficulties Attending: These can range from occasional absences to complete school refusal.
    • Not Truancy: ESBA differs from truancy, where a child skips school intentionally without a valid reason.

    Causes of ESBA can vary but may include:

    • Bullying
    • Social anxieties
    • Specific learning difficulties
    • Transitions (e.g., starting a new school)
    • Mental health conditions like depression

    Transition & Change

    For Sam, the transition to a mainstream secondary school had been too much. As the weeks and months went by his ability to cope reduced. Despite every effort to integrate his level of study into a mainstream setting, he became more and more dysregulated. His differences became more obvious, and the once-happy boy I knew became withdrawn and angry.

    The fight to get him into a specialist setting more adept at educating him and letting him thrive wasn’t anywhere near as bad as some families I know, and for that I am thankful. Yet it wasn’t without its struggles either. However, as many of you know we managed to secure his place for this Sept at the school of our choice. I thought the fight was over. How wrong I was…

    It’s not a choice!

    By this time Sam was accessing school less and less, and by Spring Term we were lucky if he managed to go to school once a week. School have offered various solutions, but they’ve all just been too little too late. The damage was done by then and he would shut down at the mere mention of school. To some, this is hard to understand. They can’t see past the behaviour, so see a kid refusing to go to school and ‘getting away with it’. What they don’t see is the emotional turmoil the child goes through just trying to access that education and the dysregulation it causes if they do manage to get to class.

    Here’s a snapshot of the current situation in the UK:

    • Sharp Increase: Persistent absence rates (missing 10% of school) have soared since the pandemic. In the 2022/23 Autumn term, 22.3% of pupils were persistently absent, compared to 10.9% pre-pandemic (2018/19) – more than doubling [Anna Freud, Children’s Commissioner].
    • Underlying Issues: EBSA is the root cause for a significant portion of this increase. While exact numbers are tricky to pinpoint, estimates suggest 1-2% of those missing school persistently do so due to emotional reasons [Absolutely Education UK].
    • SEND and EBSA: Children with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) are particularly vulnerable. Absence rates for pupils with an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) are significantly higher (12.1% vs 6.8% without SEN Support) [Beyond Autism].

    Additional Points:

    • Pre-existing Trend: Even before the pandemic, persistent absence rates were steadily increasing.
    • Mental Health Connection: Many experts believe the pandemic exacerbated mental health issues in children, contributing to EBSA.
    • Impact on Learning: Missing significant school time can have a detrimental impact on a child’s education.

    A Long Road to Recovery

    Having had such a positive step with Sam the week before, I wrongly forgot just how much he struggles with transition and change. When Monday came he flat out refused to go to school. A transition morning that Wednesday for all the new kids starting in Sept (3 plus Sam) seemed like a good opportunity for Sam to try again, as he wouldn’t be the only new kid. We managed to get as far as the school reception, I could see he was struggling. We went home and he had one of his worst days in a long time in terms of dysregulation, and meltdowns. I haven’t felt such a failure in a long time.

    He’s begun asking to go to his mainstream school instead (it’s familiar and ‘comfortable’ in a weird way). They even offered alternative provision but I’ve not taken up the offer as I think it will just confuse him. For me, we have to remove all other options and let him focus on accessing his new setting. He has so many negative emotions associated with school, it’s gonna take time.

    I’m the worst mum in the world as I’m making him move to a new school, make new friends and get to know new teachers. Right now he can’t see past that change. It’s going to be a long process. It’s so funny how many people asked me after Friday ‘So, is that him all settled now?’. If only it were that easy. Parents of SEND kids and those struggling with Emotionally Based School Avoidance will completely understand the journey.

    In the meantime, I still haven’t heard from CAMHS about his further assessments. Until I hear from them, then I don’t know exactly what he is being assessed for. I feel utterly lost if I’m honest. He’s struggling so hard and it’s difficult to watch, I know it will take time. In the meantime, we still don’t know his actual diagnosis to ensure we are correctly supporting him. Develop strategies that will actually help him, rather than possibly trigger him. So it’s off to hyperfocus on all things EBSA for a bit, will see you on the other side…

    Fay x

  • 60 Ways To Improve Family Life in 60 Secs

    60 Ways To Improve Family Life in 60 Secs

    Meee in a Family Minute

    Family Support

    Sid Madge is the author of ‘Meee in a Family Minute’ and founder of The Meee Programme.  In 2009, Sid chose to relocate from London to a remote corner in North Wales and build a new business.  Running a workshop at a local school, Sid was shocked by the self-esteem of the students.  Asked to describe themselves, 15% used terms such as ‘freak’, ‘weirdo’ and ‘misfit’.  He felt urged to take action, and the Meee Programme was born.

    His first book, ‘Meee in a Minute – 60 ways to improve your life in 60 seconds’ has become a best-seller. It recognises and affirms the work of the Meee Programme, which encourages everyone to recognise and believe in their abilities. More and more in these unprecedented times, we are looking to rebalance our family lives and relationships. Could ‘Meee in a Family Minute’ provide some family support and do just that?

    Balancing Act

    I was sent an email in June asking if I would like to improve my work-life balance.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about family life and about wellbeing.  So it immediately grabbed my attention. ’60 Ways to Improve Your Family Life in 60 Seconds’ is the third in the series of ‘Meee in a Minute’ books from Sid Madge.

    I was very lucky to be gifted a copy of the book, and I have to say, as soon as I began reading, I knew this book was special.  I struggled to put down, but the fantastic thing is that each chapter literally takes less than a minute to read.  Therefore, you can make small changes with immediate effect. As with everything, rather than try to change lots at once, we need to walk before we run.  The book is full of useful tips and strategies to help with family support. To help engage with, enjoy and reconnect.  So as I read through, I marked the chapters I wanted to bring to our family life.  I then narrowed it down to my Top 5, which I am determined to work on over the summer with us all.

    As with everything, rather than try to change lots at once, we need to walk before we run.  The book is full of useful tips and strategies to help with family support. To help engage with, enjoy and reconnect.  So as I read through, I marked the chapters I wanted to bring to our family life.  I then narrowed it down to my Top 5, which I am determined to work on over the summer with us all.

    Our Top 5 Actions To Take

    1. Cut down on screen time – From Home School to Lockdown, it has increased the whole family’s screen time exponentially.  The holidays and relaxation in lockdown gave us the chance to cut back on our screen time as a family, but it’s hard not to fall back into the same old routine.
    2. Family Values – This is something really important to me, and I want the boys to have something visual, to reaffirm those values daily.
    3. Read Aloud to your kids – Cutting down on screen time allows us time to start reading more, too.  The older boys and I have a stack of books to get through this summer.  But for Samuel with his Dyslexia, it’s not so easy.  Reading aloud to him will hopefully give him that love of reading and encourage him with his reading.
    4. Play Together – We cracked on with this last night after ordering more shuttlecocks (Daisy keeps eating them).  The Badminton tournament is going strong.  Just seeing all the boys playing out in the garden happily together was lovely.  After tea, Monopoly came out, and a request for UNO to be played tonight! A great start,
    5. Be The Change – I think being stuck at home has made me more aware of how my personal behaviour affects the boys.  My anxiety about lockdown has poured over into angry outbursts and a feeling of loss of control.  In Sam, I can see some of those traits in him.  I need to be the change…

    ‘Little Bible of Goodness’

    This Pocket-sized book is jam-packed full of actionable family support to enable you to use now, or simply to read through and realise that, actually, even in the madness of lockdown, you are doing a good job! But we should never stop learning, just as our children don’t.  This book is perfect for those times when you are a little unsure. When you know you want to make a change or help, but aren’t quite sure how to do it best. Or one of your kids needs a little more support.  From chapters on ‘Family Time’ or ‘Don’t Take it Personally’ to ‘No Regrets’ or ‘Never Criticise’, it really does manage to cover everything.  I would thoroughly recommend and have just ordered the previous two books in the series.

    If you are interested in learning more about the Programme and what it can do for you, your colleagues, or students, then please check it out.  Fascinating read…

    I’ll keep you posted on how our small changes go over the next few weeks.  I’d love to hear if you read and what you think.  Or what you’d love to develop within your family this summer!  Comment below.

    Fay x