Electric Shocks

Many women describe experiencing strange sensations like electric shocks, jolts or tingling during menopause. While they can be alarming, they’re generally harmless, but understanding why they happen can make them feel a little less scary.

The exact cause isn’t fully understood, but fluctuating hormones are thought to play a role. Oestrogen helps regulate nerve function, so as levels decline, nerve signals may become a little more erratic, leading to these odd sensations. Stress and anxiety, which often increase during perimenopause, can also make them feel more noticeable.

I remember working in an office where all but one of the women were over 40, and we were constantly giving each other electric shocks. Doors, filing cabinets, handshakes… it became such a running joke that we stopped questioning why it was happening!

Burning Mouth

Many women experience the fiery discomfort of Burning Mouth Syndrome (BMS) alongside the many other changes menopause brings. It can feel as though you’ve scalded your tongue on a cup of tea, even though you haven’t.

Research suggests it affects a significant number of menopausal women, making it far more common than most of us realise. While the exact cause isn’t fully understood, hormonal changes are thought to affect the nerves responsible for sensation in the mouth.

If you’ve been experiencing burning, tingling or soreness in your mouth without an obvious cause, it’s worth speaking to your GP or dentist to rule out other conditions and discuss possible treatment options.

Increased Food allergies / intolerances

One thing I never expected as I headed into perimenopause was how much my body suddenly started reacting to foods I’d eaten for years without a second thought. While hot flushes and sleepless nights get a lot of the attention, increased food sensitivities and intolerances are a much lesser-known symptom that so many women seem to experience.

As our hormones fluctuate, particularly oestrogen, it can affect our gut health and even the way our immune system responds. Foods that never used to cause a problem can suddenly leave you bloated, itchy, congested or feeling generally unwell. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve developed a true food allergy, but if you’ve found yourself wondering why your body seems to have changed overnight, you’re definitely not imagining it.

Cold Flushes

Everyone has heard of hot flushes, but their much less famous cousin is the cold flush.

These sudden waves of chills can leave you reaching for a jumper one minute, only to be peeling it off again five minutes later. Like hot flushes, they’re thought to be caused by fluctuating hormones affecting the body’s temperature regulation. Instead of triggering sweating, your blood vessels constrict, leaving you shivering, covered in goosebumps and wondering what on earth is happening.

It’s estimated that around one in five women experience cold flushes during menopause, yet they are rarely talked about.

Rage

Menopause rage is something nobody really prepares you for. We hear plenty about anxiety and brain fog, but nobody talks about the overwhelming, white-hot anger that can seem to come out of nowhere. One minute you’re absolutely fine, and the next you’re full of rage because someone breathed too loudly, left a cupboard door open or asked you the same question twice.

It’s not about being an angry person. It’s about fluctuating hormones affecting your mood, stress levels and emotional regulation.

For me, it’s one of the most unexpected and misunderstood symptoms of perimenopause, and it often comes with a huge feeling of guilt afterwards. I get angry at the kids, I get angry at my husband, I get angry at inanimate objects, and I especially get angry at myself. All the while, the sting of ADHD overthinking and rejection sensitivity hovers in the background, making it ten times worse.

My symptoms

Electric shocks were actually one of my very first symptoms, and I certainly didn’t put them down to menopause. Most days, I managed to zap myself on light switches, door handles and computers before passing the electric shocks on to my kids, my friends and anyone else brave enough to shake my hand. I actually stopped shaking hands for quite a while! Thankfully, they do seem to have settled down now.

The food intolerances, however, have completely changed the way I eat. Foods and drinks I used to enjoy are now firmly off the menu, and it’s the one symptom that has continued to get worse as my perimenopause has progressed. The thought that it could be here to stay is, if I’m honest, a little depressing.

It’s another reminder that menopause affects so much more than our periods. The more we talk about these unexpected symptoms, the more women realise they’re not alone, and that what they’re experiencing is real.

Have you experienced any of these symptoms? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments.

Fay x

The post 5 Surprising Menopause Symptoms appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

What PDA Actually Looks Like Day to Day

PDA, is known officially as pathological demand avoidance, but has more recently been reframed as a persistent demand for autonomy. A much better way of explaining what PDA is and what a PDAer’s struggles are. Originally seen as a specific profile linked to Autism, PDA is now known to have a strong connection to conditions such as ADHD, ODD, language disorders and trauma-related presentations.

Those with a PDA profile will often be judged as obtuse, defiant, and badly behaved. However, they require both control and autonomy in their lives. Demands (however small) remove that autonomy and control; therefore, they can become dysregulated and overwhelmed.

Take a school morning, think of all the demands that come with simply getting up and out to school:

• Wake Up
• Get Dressed
• Eat Breakfast
• Brush Your Teeth
• Pack Your Bag

These demands have to be reframed to give the child back control. Obviously, in a parent-led way, not simply letting them rule the roost.

Why PDA Parenting Hits Different — And Why It’s So Exhausting

Being a PDA parent is like being a permanent negotiator. Every morning becomes an intricate dance of ensuring your child follows the steps they need to go to school or a club/activity. While also ensuring those steps give the child a sense of control and decision-making. Before you even speak, you have to think about what you are about to say, how it may be perceived and what outcome is required.

You learn very quickly how to take a demand and turn it into a choice. You also learn that you can try your very best and still manage to say the wrong thing. Suddenly you are negotiating World War III. It’s hugely tiring to have to think about everything you say and do. You end up walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything that might be perceived as a demand.

The Emotional Toll of Parenting a PDA Child

A 2025 study found that families with PDA children often spent a lot of time at home to help their child stay regulated. The unpredictability of dysregulation and the reliance on parents for support were described as isolating. Parents reported having limited time to attend to relationships with other family members due to the competing demands of raising a PDA child.¹

I am so lucky to have understanding friends and family. However, I am very conscious of how inflexible I have to be when it comes to nurturing those relationships. As a parent of a PDA child, I often feel judged, blamed, and isolated. I still find that many professionals frequently fail to understand, and traditional compliance-based strategies make things considerably worse. Being a woman of a certain age, I was brought up to worry about what others thought. It has taken a long time to unlearn that. To allow myself to parent the way I know is right for my child, no matter what others think. It can be hard, though; there is still a lot of judgment.

When Your Own Nervous System Takes the Hit

As mentioned earlier, I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells, especially if a specific outcome is required. I will play conversations in my head ahead of time to ensure I have considered all the demands in that conversation. And how I can phrase them differently to achieve a smooth outcome. I am always on high alert; even the simplest conversation can turn on the flip of a coin if a demand is given. It is emotionally demanding and leaves me feeling exhausted and on edge.

When we then look at the fact that neurodivergence has a familial connection, then quite often parents can also have traits or a diagnosis. Which means we have our own struggles on top of simply parenting a PDA child. Many women (myself included) report realising they were indeed ADHD or autistic after their child is diagnosed. Looking back at family history and childhood episodes can often give you that ‘lightbulb’ moment. But this does mean that, quite often, the behaviours triggered by a lack of perceived autonomy can then trigger your nervous system, creating a vicious cycle that is hard to break.

A 2023 survey of more than 700 parents found that 57% self-reported burnout. That’s in the general population, before you layer in the specific and relentless demands of PDA parenting.²

PDA Parenting Burnout — and How It Sneaks Up on You

A decline in our mental and physical well-being, as well as a strained relationship with our child, is the beginning of parental burnout. As mothers, especially, we tend to put our needs last and minimise the impact things have on us. This can lead to burnout sneaking up on us, and we may not realise it until too late. Other signs of parental burnout include a reduced emotional connection, increased conflict in the home, and negatively impacted relationships with others. Initially, we can blame ourselves for this. Rather than recognising it is down to a reduced capacity both emotionally and physically.

Low-Demand Parenting: What It Is and Why It’s Not “Giving In”

A lot of people assume that low-demand parenting is similar to gentle parenting, and whilst there are similarities, they are two entirely different techniques. The core difference is this: gentle parenting still involves requests, expectations, and boundaries — just delivered warmly. Low demand parenting questions whether the demand should exist at all. It starts from the position that for a PDA nervous system, any perceived demand — however kindly worded — triggers an anxiety response that overrides everything else. So the work isn’t in how you deliver the demand; it’s in whether you issue it in the first place.

Low-demand parenting wasn’t developed as a parenting philosophy for the general population. It grew specifically out of the PDA community, primarily through the work of people like Dr Casey Ehrlich (At Peace Parents), who recognised that standard approaches, including gentle parenting, simply don’t work for demand-avoidant children and can actively make things worse. Believe me when I tell you that we are not ‘giving in’; low-demand parenting is so tough. You essentially have to relearn how to parent; this is not a choice; it is a necessity!

Strategies That Actually Help — For Both of You

The most useful thing I learnt and would advise immediately to all parents of a PDA child is not to sweat the small stuff. When everything becomes a negotiation, and the smallest task is akin to the Brexit deal (no one really wins, and there’s still a dispute over the terms!), then you quickly realise which battles need to be fought and which don’t.

Negotiable: what socks to wear, eating at the table, cutting the crust of sandwiches.

Non-negotiable: not many – anything that is the difference between being safe and not, or being alive or not.

Look at the outcome and decide which ‘demands’ must be met to get there. Where possible, give your child a choice about the order of these steps, or remove a step entirely if it won’t make a difference to the outcome. Try, where possible, to turn the ‘demand’ into a choice. Obviously, a child has to wear shoes to go to school; that is your outcome, but instead of ‘put your shoes on’, it can be re-framed as ‘which shoes would you like to wear, the black trainers or the grey trainers?’. This gives them the control and autonomy they need, whilst giving you the outcome you require.

Reduce verbal demands as much as possible. For younger children, this can be done using visual charts to guide each step. Turning steps into a game also works well with younger children (we used to regularly play the ‘who can get dressed first’ game on school mornings)

You’re Not Failing — You’re Parenting a Different Operating System

Even after years of parenting my PDA child, I still have those days when nothing seems to go right, and I feel like a failure. Parenting is hard enough, but when you add in that you have to think so hard about every single thing you say to your child. Then add in having to watch them struggle as they try to negotiate a world that their brain isn’t wired for. It’s tough. But that’s the part to remember: their brain is wired differently; they are not being obstinate or choosing to behave as they do. Just as we are not equipped naturally with how to parent a PDA child. When you have your first baby, did you know what you were doing? PDA parenting is simply learning what works for your child.

Research itself acknowledges the gap – future studies have been called for to evaluate mental health outcomes. Alongside associated interventions specifically for parents of PDA children. Systematic evaluation of parenting stress is recognised as warranted in this group. Research is only just catching up to what we have known for years.

It is one of the hardest journeys I’ve been on and can be very lonely and demoralising at times. Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. We are all in this together.

Fay x

These are two books that I found particularly helpful when we began our PDA journey.

BUY NOW!

BUY NOW!

1. PubMed Central ︎
2. Osu ︎

The post Parenting a Child with PDA: The Toll Nobody Talks About appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

I love styling a shelf, it’s probably one of my most favourite things about interiors. If there is a shelf or a surface that needs styling, I’ll be there. But I also know that a lot of people struggle with what to display on a shelf and how much/little should be on there. So how do you style a shelf? I thought it would be useful to share my basic tips…

Before You Start: What Makes a Shelf Look “Done”

How do you know when a shelf is ‘done’? There are a few tips and tricks that I use to get that perfect shelf.

• A ‘hero’ or ‘anchor’ piece. This item will be the main focus of the shelf. Probably likely to be the tallest, or definitely the most dominant item. The rest of the shelf is styled around this piece.
• Height – well, varied height. You need to give the eye something to follow, to travel with. Ensure that you have low, medium and tall pieces in your grouping.
• Odd numbers. I use this through my styling. Groups of 3 or even 5 always look more natural than a pair or four of something. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!
• Texture. Try to vary the textures displayed. For example, next to a ceramic piece, a woven basket with a plant, or a small stack of books would help break things up and create interest.
• Greenery. Plants or flowers add a living element to a shelf (even if, like mine, they are fake!), they feed into both the height point (trailing plants look fantastic) and the texture point.
• Depth layering. Ensure that you have pieces at the front, middle and back of your shelf, rather than all in a row. Again, it gives much more depth and interest to the eye.
• Space. Last but not least (although I’m not so good with this one, LOL), breathing space is as important as filling it. Leaving some space ensures that your shelf looks intentional, rather than just you running out of space and needing somewhere to put things.

The Layering Method — How to Style a Shelf Like a Designer

The secret to a shelf that looks curated rather than cluttered is all down to layering. Start with your tallest items and arrange them nearer the back and middle, then add in your mid-height pieces as you move forward. Then your lower items at the front to anchor things. If you have any trailing plants, then placing them nearer the outer edge of your shelf helps to balance things out. I read somewhere that if you think of it like a landscape, back, middle, and front. Keep that in mind when you next style a shelf, or look at a shelf you have and see if it follows this method.

How to Arrange Books and Decor on a Shelf Without It Looking Busy

I love to use books alongside decor to style a shelf, as they are so versatile. A quick tip is to ensure that they sit within a similar colour palette to create cohesion. Look for books you already own whose spines (I like to remove the outer book cover if they have one, as it’s usually a little plainer and has a nice matte texture) tone in well with the other items you will be displaying. If you have a tall vase or ceramic piece, stacking 3 books flat, spines facing out, adds not only texture but also height variation. If you need to create height, you can stack the books upright, or again sit them flat and put a smaller item on top.

Floating Shelf Decor Ideas That Actually Work in Real Homes

We see hundreds of floating shelf ideas on Pinterest, which have all been carefully curated and probably with a much larger budget than us normal folk, and no need for real practicality, such as storage. The trick for floating shelves is to resist filling every inch (again, this is the bit I struggle with) and leave some breathing space. Depending on the size of your floating shelf, simply a plant (or two), a couple of objects with different textures, and something that adds height are enough to make it intentional.

Living Room Shelf Styling: How to Make It Feel Intentional, Not Accidental

A living room shelf does a lot. It needs to be decorative yet functional, and is usually the first thing people see when they walk in. Editing is the important thing to remember! It’s the difference between a styled shelf and a dumping ground. Take a hard look at everything on the shelf; not everything needs to be on display. Maybe it’s time to remove that item that looks really out of place, but is only there because there was nowhere else to put it at the time.

How to Style a Bookcase Without Losing All Your Books

Less is more in this case. The focus should be on the books, so don’t overstyle. The occasional object can help break up a long run of books if needs be. If your books allow it, then colour blocking is a fantastic way to style your bookshelf. Also, as mentioned before, some height variation works well to create rhythm (some vertical, some horizontal stacks). A bookshelf should be thoughtfully arranged, rather than styled with lots of objects; it will always look better!

How to Style Open Shelves in a Kitchen or Alcove

Smaller shelves such as those found at the end of a run of kitchen units, or in our case, a funny little ‘window’ halfway up the stairs, or a weird ‘nook’ in the office. Using the principles mentioned above, just a few simple pieces can make all the difference. Plants, candles and unique pieces can really add some character to small spaces. Carefully selected cookbooks in a kitchen add a practical element whilst still keeping with the style.

Shelf Styling for Beginners: The Mistakes Worth Avoiding

The most common mistake made isn’t what you put on your shelf, but how much!. Too little and it looks bare, too much and it’s looks overcrowded. The second mistake is being a little too ‘matchy matchy’. Identical heights, colours and textures don’t give anything for the eye to focus on and travel along. And lastly, styling your shelf and leaving it… Take time to refresh and re-eit your shelf. I would always re-style for Christmas anyway, so take the time in January to re-fresh your shelf, maybe re-arrange or add/remove a few pieces to freshen it up. Think of it as a living display.

How to Style a Shelf on a Budget (Without It Looking Cheap)

My favourite thing. I don’t think I’ve ever spent very much on styling my shelves. It’s all the things I’ve collected over the years. Charity finds, boot sales finds, pieces borrowed from another room, supermarket steals. I’m always on the lookout for things that might look nice. Start at home and scour your home for pieces that might look nice. When unpacking a box of books the other day, I found a book that will be the perfect blue for our blue and white spare room, so it was put to one side for when I’m ready to finish the room.

Your Shelf, Your Rules — How to Make It Feel Like You

The most important thing for me with shelf styling is ensuring it has your personality stamped on it. If your style is minimalist and clean, then your shelf should reflect that, so you may add a little more ‘space’ and not quite so much colour variation. Or maybe you are a bit of a maximalist, in which a little less space will reflect you more. Love colour?! Inject that into your shelf, and show your true self. When it comes down to it, a shelf should make you smile when you enter the room.

So, there are my tips for how to style a shelf. I hope that it has given you the confidence to get styling! I’d love to see some pics of your shelves. Make sure you tag me on socials, and for any questions, just ask in the comments below.

Fay x

The post How to Style a Shelf: The Simple Layering Method That Works appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

There are neurological reasons why mornings can be genuinely difficult.

Why Does My ADHD Child Take So Long to Get Ready for School?

• ADHD – Struggles with executive function and sleep make it hard for anyone with ADHD on a morning. Lots of ‘tasks’, plus possibly still not being fully awake, is not a great mix.
• Autism – For children with autism, transitions can be difficult. Mornings, in particular, involve many transitions within a relatively short time. Plus, there’s the added worry of having to ‘mask’ all day at school.
• PDA – For a child with a PDA profile, the above tasks and transitions can all seem like a long list of demands. Add in the anxiety/anticipation of the school day, and it can be overwhelming before they’ve even got out of bed.
• Anxiety – The anticipation of trying to fit in, reading social cues, and understanding what is expected of you at any given time can be hugely anxiety-provoking in many neurodivergent children.
• Executive dysfunction – For many neurodivergent children, executive dysfunction means that seemingly simple tasks like getting dressed, packing a school bag or leaving the house can feel overwhelming because their brain struggles to organise and initiate the steps involved.
• Transitions – We tend to think of the bigger transitions, like moving from junior to senior school, or moving up a year group each year. But for children with ADHD and autism, transitions can be about the everyday, like waking up each morning.

ADHD and Morning Struggles: It’s More Than Just Being Tired

Executive Dysfunction Makes Starting Tasks Hard

There are a huge number of tasks to complete every morning before school:

• Wake Up
• Get Dressed
• Breakfast
• Brush Teeth
• Pack School bag/PE Kit
• Remember Homework
• Make the School Bus

And that’s just the basics. Research suggests that children with ADHD may experience a delay in executive functioning development of around 30%, meaning a 10-year-old with ADHD may have organisational, planning and self-management skills more similar to those of a 7-year-old.

Sleep Inertia and Delayed Sleep Patterns

If your child with ADHD seems to come alive at bedtime but is impossible to get moving in the morning, there may be a biological reason. ADHD is strongly associated with delayed sleep patterns, meaning their internal body clock runs later than expected, making early school mornings particularly challenging.

Some experience sleep inertia, meaning they feel groggy and disoriented long after waking. Sleep inertia in the general population often lasts around 15–30 minutes, but can extend to an hour or more in some individuals. ADHD appears to be associated with more severe and prolonged sleep inertia.¹ It can be advisable to build in a longer ‘buffer’ in the morning, anything from 45 mins to 90 mins.

Children with ADHD are two to three times more likely to experience sleep problems than their neurotypical peers.²

How Autism Can Make School Mornings More Difficult

Transitions Are Hard Work

As mentioned earlier, we tend to think of ‘larger’ transitions, but for many autistic children, every day is full of lots and lots of smaller transitions that neurotypicals take for granted.

• moving from being asleep to awake
• having to get dressed
• transitioning from home to school
• moving from classroom to classroom, each lesson
• transitioning from lesson to playtime to lunch and back again.

Each of these transitions requires a huge amount of energy for an autistic child to make.

The Hidden Stress of the School Day

Which brings me perfectly on to the point of hidden stress. The effort that a neurodivergent child will have to use to simply get through the day is enough to make them anxious or even overwhelmed. Not knowing exactly what to expect, having to manage friendships, teachers’ expectations and school work, can all be huge stress points throughout the day, and the anxiety can begin as soon as they wake.

Understanding PDA and Morning Resistance

Why Everyday Tasks Can Feel Like Demands

For a neurodivergent child with PDA (commonly known as Pathological Demand Avoidance), another level of anxiety is added. All the tasks that are already hard to manage suddenly feel like demands. For a child with PDA, feeling ‘in control’ is hugely important. A better way to look at PDA is as a pervasive desire for autonomy. So tasks and questions can be perceived as demands and will be met with resistance.

It’s Not Refusal — It’s Often Anxiety

The anticipation of the unknown can be so anxiety-inducing that a PDA child will simply refuse to even try. It can seem like defiance or stubbornness, but it is a neurological difference in the way their brains perceive the world around them and their expectations. Even praise can be seen as a demand, because they perceive it as meaning they must work to this level each time.

What School Mornings Might Feel Like for Your Child

Before they’ve even left their bed, they may already be thinking about getting dressed, navigating friendships, coping with noise, following instructions, and masking all day. My youngest really struggles to trust what he is being told and the people around him. He needs routine and predictability after years of change and feeling let down by previous education settings. So each morning is like a new morning with the same anxieties, worries, demands, until he can build that trust again.

Practical Ways to Make Your ADHD Child’s Morning Routine Easier

Reduce Morning Decisions

Write a list of all the decisions that need to be made on a morning. There will be more than you originally anticipated. Are there any you can remove from the list completely, or move to a different time, like the night before?

Prepare as Much as Possible the Night Before

If tasks can be moved to the night before, then it’s really advisable to do so. Things like laying out uniform/clothes the night before. Making sure the PE Kit is ready and packed if needed. If there is homework, is it completed and packed in the school bag?

Break Tasks Into Tiny Steps

For larger tasks, break them down. Telling your ADHD or autistic child to simply get ready for school can be overwhelming. Break it down into manageable steps, giving one at a time as they complete each step.

Offer Genuine Choices

For children with a PDA profile, how you word things can have a real effect. Rather than saying ‘brush your teeth, get dressed’, give them the choice of which they’d like to do first. Or you can simply state that their toothbrush and toothpaste are at the basin when they are ready to brush their teeth.

For younger children, try making tasks a game. We would quite often ‘see who can get dressed’ first, or ‘who could brush their teeth best.’

Use Visual Prompts Instead of Constant Verbal Reminders

Spoken voice can be construed as a demand or overwhelming, especially if your child has sensory struggles. Using visual reminders can be very useful under these circumstances. A morning routine ‘to do’ chart, where children can tick off each task as completed, can work well with some (keep it simple). What I found worked well with Sam were visual hand cues. So, rather than going in every 10 mins to tell him the time, a demand in itself. Then, simply replacing my voice with holding my hand up to show how many minutes were left (so five fingers for five minutes), worked well.

Focus on Connection Before Correction

Where possible, try not to correct your child in the morning. When they are already anxious or possibly internalising overwhelm, then correcting them can be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Try instead to connect with them, explain that you can feel their struggles and ask what would help. Or simply move past the ‘error’ and try again in 5 minutes, even helping them to achieve.

When Morning Struggles Might Be a Sign of School Anxiety

While ADHD, autism and PDA can all contribute to difficult mornings. It is worth considering whether school anxiety may also be playing a role. If your child seems particularly resistant on school days but is happy to get up on weekends, or for activities they enjoy. Then their morning struggles could be a sign that they’re feeling overwhelmed by something at school.

What Helped Me Reframe Our Morning Battles

As soon as I realised that my children were not deliberately being difficult but were struggling, my thinking shifted. Being a SEN parent who is neurodivergent myself, the struggles were not so obvious for my two eldest. Without realising it, I had built many of the above steps into our routine because they helped me in the morning. Which in turn helped them.

However, the struggles with my youngest were so much greater. When EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance) set in after a disastrous transition to a mainstream secondary school, I had to question the very way I parented. That’s another story for another day. Suddenly, what had worked previously no longer did. Realising that his ‘behaviour’ was actually him trying to communicate with me really helped.

Final Thoughts: Your Child Isn’t Giving You a Hard Time

Children with ADHD, autism, and PDA aren’t usually choosing to make mornings difficult. More often, they’re having a difficult time navigating a world that asks a lot of them before the day has even begun.

Once we start to approach their behaviour as struggles and listen to what they are trying to tell us, it makes things a lot easier. Parenting neurodivergent children is not easy. But you are not alone, and small changes can make a big difference. I’m always available on socials or by commenting below. What small change did you find helped, or are you still in the battleround?

Fay x

Frequently Asked Questions

REFERENCES

1. Sleep Inertia: Getting Past the Grogginess ︎
2. Contributions of circadian tendencies and behavioral problems to sleep onset problems of children with ADHD | BMC Psychiatry | Springer Nature Link ︎

The post ADHD Child Morning Routine: Why School Mornings Are So Hard for Children with ADHD, Autism and PDA appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

Since hitting perimenopause, my coping mechanisms failed, and the mask fell off. My journey with AuDHD began, and boy, it’s been a hell of a ride. And whilst dealing with all that, we decided that starting a renovation project would be a fantastic idea! So what are the products that have helped me through these last few years, and what new ones am I using in the house to help with the reno and work with my neurodivergence?

Products for AuDHD Women in the UK

THE ND TOOLKIT

From essential oils from Rebel Rituals to sleep sprays from This Works, these products help me calm my mind, focus my thoughts, and get a great night’s sleep. And when it all gets a little too much, the weighted blanket comes out to give me a huge, deep hug.

Perimenopause & hormone wellbeing

Supplements voted the Best Menopause Supplement of the Year 2025 by BBC Good Food help me get a full night’s sleep and the energy to function throughout the day. Vitamins and collagen, specifically designed by Elavate, are my secret weapons to fantastic hair and nails. Whilst my Caudalie Vinopure Serum has eradicated the hormonal acne that was one of my earliest and worst menopause symptoms.

THE FARMHOUSE

I’ve found some great kitchen products that not only look great but also help with an ADHD brain by reducing stress, visually and literally, and ensuring we don’t run out. When you have ND kids, it’s worth more than your life to run out of their favourites!

As well as that, I know a lot of people have asked about the products and companies we are working with for the renovation, so I’ll be adding them here, too.

RURAL & FAMILY LIFE

Coming this week, I’ll also be adding in a lot of the products and clothing we use and wear now that we live a little more rurally. Think wellies, gilets, leggings, as well as gardening tools and more as time goes on.

I’ll also list a lot of the items that have helped us as a neurodivergent family, such as labelling, vitamins and supplements, books on ND parenting, etc.

All the products listed, which we use and love, have genuinely helped us along the way. So, I really hope that they will help you too! If there is anything you want to ask, please just comment below!

Fay x

The post My honest product edit — what has actually helped with the AuDHD, the perimenopause, and the renovation chaos appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

We also have the room across the landing, which will become a beautiful master ensuite with an original fireplace, roll-top bath, and dressing area. The room was originally a small sixth bedroom, with a modern ensuite crammed in (from Hall Farm’s short life as a B&B).

Victorian Farmhouse Master Bedroom Design

The direction for this room was more of a feeling than a vision at first. I knew, unlike a lot of the rest of the house, that I wanted the space to be light and airy but with a real warmth. As with my life in general, anything for ‘us’ tends to be put off till last. We have a really good knack for prioritising everyone else first, don’t we? A bit like my ADHD/ASC assessment, which I’ve been waiting for 4 years now.

The colour palette is neutrals, linens, stone; think tonality and textures. For this room, I’ve gone with Craig & Rose 1829 Vintage Colours – Pipe Clay as the main shade, with highlights of Round Room. Fixtures and hardware will be antique brass, as with the rest of the house. A touch of opulence with a chandelier and oversized mirror. Lots of textures with soft furnishings, cushions, bolsters, throws. Chaise Longue in the window. For storage, the far wall will feature wall-to-wall wardrobes with a hidden media wall.

Master Ensuite – Continuing the Calm

The palette and feel continue into the master ensuite. Natural stone floor, antique brass taps and shower. Stunning roll-top bath which will sit diagonally across the original fireplace. The second half of the room will be a dressing area, with a dressing table, customised shelving for accessories and a small hanging area.

Panelling throughout both rooms for cohesion and a link to the traditional. Plenty of atmospheric lighting and use of natural materials, wood, stone, linen and cotton. For the windows, then we will at some point have shutters made for both, but for now, it will be a mix of voile and screening, I think.

Heritage Bedroom Interiors

As it is a listed building, we have had to reconsider a few decisions to accommodate its original structure. The large beam had to be sandblasted before we moved in (along with a lot of the original woodwork). It still needs some work before we can then bring it back to its original state. The fireplace in what will be the ensuite has quite a deep hearth, but luckily, because of the roll top bath legs, it should sit comfortably across the corner of it. With a shower neatly tucked in what was the built-in wardrobe, the end panel of this had to be kept as it was original to the house build.

For me, this room was all about feeling like a sanctuary, somewhere to retreat to when everything becomes a little much. Where, even if everything else feels out of control, it makes you feel at ease and safe. I want to take the time to get this right, not cut corners, but it will take time. We’ve got the makings of a wonderful space, and I want to ensure that I create that, whilst respecting the tradition and history that has come before.

What Comes Next

So the plans are in place, and my Pinterest board is full. Next comes the exciting bit, creating the reality! I’m hoping the carpet will be fitted next week, so we can at least build our master bed and move in there. Everything is a bit of a knock-on effect. Once we get our master bed up, we can move the bed from the spare room to our middle son’s room. Which means we can then get the bed from the temporary flat we were in, which was originally meant to go in the spare room.

It also means we might have a bit more space in the outbuildings to get to some more furniture for the spare room and master, and finally get some of our clothing out of boxes and the ‘floordrobe’, which has become our lives. The ADHD side of me loves a good floordrobe, but the autistic side of me hates the mess and disorganisation of it all.

Fay x

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The post Our master bedroom and ensuite vision — designing a calm, light sanctuary in a Grade II listed Victorian farmhouse appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

My Story

As with many older women who realise they are neurodivergent, it’s when menopause hits, and everything falls apart, that it becomes obvious. For me, my journey began with my children’s diagnoses, and as menopause took hold, things really began to fall apart. The referral was fairly straightforward, as my GP was obviously aware of the boys’ journeys, so completely supported my self-referral.

When I received the forms to complete, I thought that looking back on childhood would be quite hard. But suddenly things began to fall into place and make sense. My referral was triaged and accepted, and the wait began. In the four years since, I’ve navigated my three boys’ diagnoses, supported my youngest through almost 3 years of EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance) and an EHCP transfer, become L3 SEND Law Qualified with IPSEA Charity, managed -kinda- perimenopause, moved house and started a renovation.

The Gender Diagnosis Gap

We know that historically, ADHD was seen as the ‘naughty white boy disorder’ and something that they grow out of as they reach adulthood. There are three ‘types’ of ADHD: Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined. Generally, boys are likely to display the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms of ADHD, whereas girls and women tend to display more inattentive behaviour. This is one of the reasons historically the gender diagnosis gap originated. Clinical studies show that the gender diagnosis gap is 4:1 male to female. However, wider studies within the community show that this ratio may be nearer to 2:1. ¹

Reasons for the gender gap are generally thought to be:

• Historical bias – research was carried out on males, so the diagnostic criteria are still very much focused on male-dominated symptoms, focusing on hyperative type.
• Presentation type – typically, the ‘male’ behaviours are much more external and visible, whilst ‘female’ behaviours are typically internal and much less visible, so tend to go unnoticed by parents & professionals.
• GP Training – because of the above GPs are vastly undertrained in the presentation of females with ADHD, and therefore it can be harder for females to be considered for assessment.
• Societal Expectations – Again, because the male behaviours are visible and go against expected behaviours in public, it is accepted more readily that this may be due to ADHD, and diagnosis sought. Whereas, within females, a lot of the time, it is initially put down to a personality trait.
• Diagnosis Procedure – Girls are much less likely to be noticed and referred for assessments throughout their lives. Still, studies show that even when they are referred and assessed, women are more likely to be misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all.

NHS vs Private (and Right To Choose)

As of early 2026, typical waiting times for adult ADHD assessment through the NHS range from 12 months to over 5 years depending on your area. Some regions have waiting lists so long that services have temporarily closed to new referrals.²

Right to Choose wait times range from as little as 1 week to up to 78 weeks, so they are significantly shorter than NHS wait times. However, many GPs are unaware of the RTC avenues, making referral difficult. And as more patients ask for RTC, providers are struggling under the pressure and are also closing their waiting lists to new referrals.³

Private ADHD assessment in the UK can be scheduled in as little as 3 weeks, but does come with a cost of between £500 and £1200.⁴ GPs can also refuse to accept private diagnoses and therefore the prescription of any advised medication. ⁵

What the Wait Costs

The cost of waiting years for a diagnosis is not only financial, though the financial reality is stark enough on its own. It is the cost of navigating life without the framework that would explain so much of it.

It is the cost of sitting with three neurodivergent boys — each at different points in their own diagnostic journeys, each needing me to advocate fiercely and knowledgeably for them — while simultaneously trying to understand a brain that nobody has yet formally confirmed as my own. The irony of holding a Level 3 SEND Law qualification, of knowing how to fight a system on behalf of my children, while being failed by that same system myself is not lost on me.

It is the cost of perimenopause landing on top of undiagnosed AuDHD with no clinical acknowledgement of how the two interact. The hormonal crash that completely disrupts dopamine regulation. The brain fog that sits on top of existing executive dysfunction. The emotional dysregulation that increases as oestrogen drops. And the total absence of any professional joining those dots in a way that might actually help.

It is the cost of the Maternal Mental Health crisis I wrote about earlier this year — the PND that went unrecognised as the neurodivergent crisis it also was, because nobody was looking for it.

And it is the quieter, more cumulative cost — the one that is hardest to quantify. The years of wondering why everything feels harder for me, than it looks for everyone else. The self-doubt that fills the space where a diagnosis should be. The energy spent masking, compensating, and holding it all together in ways that are invisible to everyone except the person doing it.

That is what the wait costs. Not just time. Everything that happens inside it.

What Needs to Change

None of what needs to change is complicated. None of it is beyond the capacity of a healthcare system that, when it chooses to, moves quickly and decisively.

Earlier screening for girls in education. The signs of ADHD in girls are present in classrooms every day — in the daydreamer who is written off as quiet, in the people-pleaser who is exhausted by the effort of appearing fine, in the girl who is bright but inconsistent in ways that confuse teachers. Catching ADHD earlier in girls means fewer women arriving at adulthood — and motherhood — without the tools to understand themselves.

Better training for GPs in how ADHD presents in women. A woman who presents to her GP with anxiety, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, and emotional dysregulation should not leave with only an antidepressant, as I did for decades. She should leave with a conversation about whether something else might also be worth exploring. That conversation costs nothing. The absence of it costs everything.

Reduced NHS waiting times. Four years — potentially five by the time I am seen — is not a waiting list. It is a barrier. For women in crisis, for mothers in the postnatal period, for women in perimenopause when the hormonal shifts make everything harder, a four-year wait is not a delay. It is a denial.

The women waiting for these changes are not waiting quietly. They are working, parenting, advocating, and getting on with it — as women always have. But getting on with it is not the same as being supported. A system that relies on women’s ability to cope is not a system that is working. It is a system that is failing, and calling the failure resilience.

The Wait Continues. So do I…

We deserve better. We have always deserved better. And after four years, I am running out of polite ways to say so.

So, I’m still waiting. I’m still here. I’ll continue renovating the farmhouse, raising the boys, and advocating for women’s health rights. The diagnosis will come. And when it does, it will confirm what I already know.

You are not imagining it. You never were.

Fay x

1. ADHD Symptoms in Women vs. ADHD Symptoms in Men: What’s the Difference? – Private ADHD & Autism UK – Online Assessments ︎
2. ADHD Waiting Times UK 2026 | NHS Assessment Waits · neurobetter ︎
3. Right to Choose – ADHD UK – Your NHS options ︎
4. Private ADHD Diagnosis UK Cost: Everything You Need to Know | Private Psychiatry ︎
5. Right to Choose, Private ADHD Assessments and Shared Care – Tarleton Group Practice ︎

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We should have been finished by now; we should have been sitting in a completely refurbished farmhouse, enjoying the results. But as we all know, renovations always take longer than expected and cost more. Add to that the listed building consent, and it was never going to happen on time. So, as it stands, we have two completed bathrooms and two completed bedrooms, and that’s about it. Even then, there is still snagging and decoration to complete on them. Everywhere is covered in dust, and we can never find what we are looking for.

AuDHD & Perimenopause Brain

Up until now, I’ve been okay. The organising and trying to manage everything have been manageable, but over the last few weeks, it’s started to become a bit much. The constant noise whilst trying to work. The interruptions to sort an issue/answer a question whilst trying to focus on another task are so difficult for my brain. The fact that everything has taken longer than planned means jobs are no longer all working together in order. I’m finding it hard to remember decisions I made several months ago. Whilst also having to make quick decisions to ensure you don’t hold something up. My brain feels scattered and foggy, and this morning I couldn’t do anything. The paralysis was real…

I’m trying to find my new normal. Living in a farmhouse mid-renovation is not normal. Part of me craves company, and I have amazing friends and family who’ve come to see me. But I also need space and quiet. Generally, you’d get this through the week when you’re at work, and your kids are at school. But of course, I’m living in a house full of workmen, and Sam hasn’t been at school full-time since term 1 of Year 7. He’s due to go into Year 10 in Sept…

I’m trying to balance my social side with the need for quiet all over each weekend. Thankfully, the village gives me just the right amount of social time and quiet time; it really is the perfect tonic. A lovely morning walk with Daisy along the river and through duck pond, is enough to clear my head and remove the paralysis. A quick cuppa or glass of bubbles at one of the cafes, or in the pub, to catch up with the locals.

Gotta Love a Deadline!

So, this week, it’s all about continuing with the Kitchen and Boot Room. Making some decisions in regard to the Dining Room and Master Bedroom. With our eldest coming back from Uni at the end of the month, it’s also given us a deadline for getting the next two bedrooms at least furnished! Whilst I couldn’t sleep last night with everything whirring around in my head, this morning I took time to write everything down and make a list. If there is one thing an AuDHD brain loves, it’s a tight deadline. And if there’s one thing my husband needs, it’s a boot up his bum and a list of jobs to do!

Time to knuckle down, pull up my big girl pants and get on with this. But there is one thing I know, when it all gets too much, a walk in this beautiful village is enough to sort my head out. How do you get yourself out of that decision paralysis?

Fay x

The post Six months in: what the farmhouse, the village, and an AuDHD brain in perimenopause have taught me appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

Maternal Mental Health Week: the ADHD and PND connection that almost cost me my life.

As I sit in the new house, surrounded by chaos yet warmed by a hot cup of tea, I can reflect on how far I’ve come. Almost two decades ago, I was in a very different place. But this isn’t meant to be a sad story, far from it. This is a story of a mother with undiagnosed adhd and postnatal depression, who fought hard, coming out not only stronger, but gentler on herself too.

With two boys under two, I found motherhood hard. I wasn’t a confident mum, but at least by the time I had my second, I had a bit of a routine going. Looking back, I can totally see the signs of the AuDHD. I clung to Gina Ford and the routine, but I also found it hard to organise myself and the boys. I couldn’t do more than 1 ‘thing’ in a day, and looked in awe and horror at friends who could visit friends and family, and fit in an activity all in the same day. But as the months went on, any feelings I had started to become numb, and any joy that had been there had gone.

Not an easy journey

I was lonely; I had moved away from family and friends, and didn’t drive at the time. And with two under two, it wasn’t the easiest to get on a bus and go out. I withdrew and spent more and more time at home. My husband had a busy social life playing golf and squash, so he would be out a lot of evenings and weekends. I knew it would be tiring, but it was beyond that; I was exhausted, constantly. I quite often felt as if I wasn’t really there, or felt nothing at all. Feeling so alone, so out of my depth, and so miserable, utterly, utterly miserable, at what should be one of the happiest moments of your life.

Over the coming months, nothing seemed to get easier; I was still struggling, still found the day-to-day difficult. Still felt nothing. I began clawing at my skin to try and feel something. My forehead was often raw and bleeding, covered by a long fringe. I began to question everything, especially my ability to be a good mother and wife. I had very little contact with friends and family and hid away from the world. The final straw was not being able to attend a family event because the OH was playing golf. That night was my lowest point, and I honestly felt that everyone would be better off without me.

A wake-up call – literally!

I woke the next morning, which I wasn’t expecting at all. The weight of what had happened hit home immediately, and I knew I needed to get help. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and immediately put on antidepressants and went to therapy. At this point, the connection to ADHD hadn’t been made. We all still saw it as something that affected young boys. And while we are now talking much more about the connection between the hormonal shift of perimenopause and ADHD, we still talk less about the connection between PND and ADHD. I wish I’d known then what I know now about the hormone crash and the dopamine dysregulation, the specific vulnerability of undiagnosed ADHD women in the postpartum period.

Women with ADHD are significantly more likely to experience severe postpartum mental health difficulties. And girls are consistently diagnosed later than boys — often not until adulthood, often not until a crisis. The cost of that delay is not academic. Consistently conducted research shows that oestrogen plays a significant role in dopamine regulation. The crash in oestrogen after birth is particularly hard for women with ADHD, diagnosed or not. There is a direct correlation between estrogen and dopamine levels, as this article from ADDitude shows.

ADHD and postnatal depression

Not only does the postpartum period exacerbate the symptoms of ADHD, but women with ADHD are at significantly elevated risk of postnatal depression. The combination of sleep deprivation, hormonal disruption, and sensory overload creates a ‘perfect storm’ for women who are already working harder than most to manage. The PANDAS Foundation has some fantastic resources on this very topic.

For me, the recovery was slow, but by the time I had my third child, 7 years later, I was armed with knowledge. I still didn’t know then about my AuDHD, but I was confident and aware enough to be gentler on myself. To understand that, I found parenthood, for whatever reason, harder than most. Who knows what that early experience would have been like for me (and the boys) had I been armed with a diagnosis and support. We know that women who have a diagnosis report significant improvement in self-understanding, self-compassion and feel able to ask for support.

Research and awareness

If we can improve research and continue to raise awareness, we can ensure diagnosis before motherhood. So new mothers with ADHD can enter the postpartum period with awareness, coping strategies and support from family, friends and healthcare professionals. That is not a small thing. For some women, it would be the difference between surviving and not.

Now, nearly 20 years later, it took my youngest’s journey with AuDHD, and me hitting perimenopause, to realise my own diagnosis of AuDHD. Suddenly, everything made sense. The periods of major hormonal fluctuations in a woman’s life were all the times when I had particularly struggled. If you are currently struggling, know you are not alone, and be kind to yourself. There is support available now (see the resources at the end of this article). If you, like me, are now coming/or are out the other end, well done! It wasn’t easy, but we are stronger because of it.

This is my direct call to healthcare professionals, GPs, CAMHs, etc., to really take note of the importance of early diagnosis, especially in women and girls. It’s not something that will just help them as they get older; it could literally save their lives.

Fay x

If anything in this post has resonated with you, or if you are struggling with your mental health right now, please reach out. You do not have to manage this alone.

In crisis now: Samaritans — 116 123 (free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week) or samaritans.org

Postnatal depression support: PANDAS Foundation — 0808 1961 776 or pandasfoundation.org.uk

ADHD diagnosis and support: ADHD UK — adhduk.co.uk | ADHD Foundation — adhdfoundation.org.uk

Maternal mental health: Association for Postnatal Illness — apni.org

For neurodivergent women specifically: Neurodivergent Women — neurodivergent-women.org

If you think you or someone you love may have undiagnosed ADHD, please speak to your GP. You deserve a diagnosis. You deserve the right support. And if your GP doesn’t listen, you are entitled to ask again.

The post I had postnatal depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and no idea the two were connected. This is what happened — and why it matters for every woman diagnosed too late. appeared first on How Felicity Finds.

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I’d planned the kitchen renovation down to the tee. Spent hours/days (yep, really!) measuring, re-measuring and planning the kitchen by myself. We’d known for over a month what week it would arrive. So, of course, sods law we had no workmen here the week before. My husband was away playing in a squash tournament. The kitchen floor hadn’t been prepped, and it arrived a day early!

When we bought the house, the kitchen was still quite intact. However, it was quite modern, and not at all what would be found in a Victorian farmhouse. We were able to remove all the units, but there is a small cupboard at work surface height, which was located in the corner of the kitchen. This cupboard is listed, so has to remain. It has been the hardest part of the kitchen renovation to design around, and I’m still worried it may throw us a curveball.

Victorian Farmhouse Kitchen Renovation

We’ve gone for a shaker style kitchen, with range cooker (from our previous house), kitchen island and integrated appliances. It is more of a simple modern shaker style than our previous kitchen. But still in keeping with the farmhouse. There will be some open shelving in the utility and boot room, but we’ve yet to decide on worktops… and flooring…

We were obviously hoping to have the flooring ready so could have put the floor units ‘in place’ as they arrived. But, that wasn’t to be. The delivery guys were great and so accommodating. They kept the three deliveries (Kitchen, Boot Room & Utility) separated when storing in the dining room. This should hopefully help the kitchen fitter as he starts on the kitchen next week.

On weeks like this one, I’m especially grateful for Rebel Rituals — the hormonal chaos of perimenopause and ADHD, on top of renovation stress is its own particular kind of overwhelming. Having something that takes the edge off the symptoms makes the rest slightly more manageable.

Next Steps…

So finally this week, the kitchen was cleared, the underfloor heating matting went down and the screed went down to level the floor. Ready for the kitchen fitter on Tuesday. Floor tiles will go down after the units are in place. We also have to choose our worktop which I’m really undecided about. I really wanted wooden worktop, but I understand the hubby’s concern about burn/scorch marks from hot pans etc.

So make sure you save this post and come back for Farmhouse Friday #3 — the kitchen goes in. This next week is going to bring such a big change in the house. If you are new here, then check out what’s happened so far with our Victorian Farmhouse renovation journey. And follow me on Instagram for real-time updates.

Fay x

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