What PDA Actually Looks Like Day to Day

PDA, is known officially as pathological demand avoidance, but has more recently been reframed as a persistent demand for autonomy. A much better way of explaining what PDA is and what a PDAer’s struggles are. Originally seen as a specific profile linked to Autism, PDA is now known to have a strong connection to conditions such as ADHD, ODD, language disorders and trauma-related presentations.

Those with a PDA profile will often be judged as obtuse, defiant, and badly behaved. However, they require both control and autonomy in their lives. Demands (however small) remove that autonomy and control; therefore, they can become dysregulated and overwhelmed.

Take a school morning, think of all the demands that come with simply getting up and out to school:

• Wake Up
• Get Dressed
• Eat Breakfast
• Brush Your Teeth
• Pack Your Bag

These demands have to be reframed to give the child back control. Obviously, in a parent-led way, not simply letting them rule the roost.

Why PDA Parenting Hits Different — And Why It’s So Exhausting

Being a PDA parent is like being a permanent negotiator. Every morning becomes an intricate dance of ensuring your child follows the steps they need to go to school or a club/activity. While also ensuring those steps give the child a sense of control and decision-making. Before you even speak, you have to think about what you are about to say, how it may be perceived and what outcome is required.

You learn very quickly how to take a demand and turn it into a choice. You also learn that you can try your very best and still manage to say the wrong thing. Suddenly you are negotiating World War III. It’s hugely tiring to have to think about everything you say and do. You end up walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything that might be perceived as a demand.

The Emotional Toll of Parenting a PDA Child

A 2025 study found that families with PDA children often spent a lot of time at home to help their child stay regulated. The unpredictability of dysregulation and the reliance on parents for support were described as isolating. Parents reported having limited time to attend to relationships with other family members due to the competing demands of raising a PDA child.¹

I am so lucky to have understanding friends and family. However, I am very conscious of how inflexible I have to be when it comes to nurturing those relationships. As a parent of a PDA child, I often feel judged, blamed, and isolated. I still find that many professionals frequently fail to understand, and traditional compliance-based strategies make things considerably worse. Being a woman of a certain age, I was brought up to worry about what others thought. It has taken a long time to unlearn that. To allow myself to parent the way I know is right for my child, no matter what others think. It can be hard, though; there is still a lot of judgment.

When Your Own Nervous System Takes the Hit

As mentioned earlier, I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells, especially if a specific outcome is required. I will play conversations in my head ahead of time to ensure I have considered all the demands in that conversation. And how I can phrase them differently to achieve a smooth outcome. I am always on high alert; even the simplest conversation can turn on the flip of a coin if a demand is given. It is emotionally demanding and leaves me feeling exhausted and on edge.

When we then look at the fact that neurodivergence has a familial connection, then quite often parents can also have traits or a diagnosis. Which means we have our own struggles on top of simply parenting a PDA child. Many women (myself included) report realising they were indeed ADHD or autistic after their child is diagnosed. Looking back at family history and childhood episodes can often give you that ‘lightbulb’ moment. But this does mean that, quite often, the behaviours triggered by a lack of perceived autonomy can then trigger your nervous system, creating a vicious cycle that is hard to break.

A 2023 survey of more than 700 parents found that 57% self-reported burnout. That’s in the general population, before you layer in the specific and relentless demands of PDA parenting.²

PDA Parenting Burnout — and How It Sneaks Up on You

A decline in our mental and physical well-being, as well as a strained relationship with our child, is the beginning of parental burnout. As mothers, especially, we tend to put our needs last and minimise the impact things have on us. This can lead to burnout sneaking up on us, and we may not realise it until too late. Other signs of parental burnout include a reduced emotional connection, increased conflict in the home, and negatively impacted relationships with others. Initially, we can blame ourselves for this. Rather than recognising it is down to a reduced capacity both emotionally and physically.

Low-Demand Parenting: What It Is and Why It’s Not “Giving In”

A lot of people assume that low-demand parenting is similar to gentle parenting, and whilst there are similarities, they are two entirely different techniques. The core difference is this: gentle parenting still involves requests, expectations, and boundaries — just delivered warmly. Low demand parenting questions whether the demand should exist at all. It starts from the position that for a PDA nervous system, any perceived demand — however kindly worded — triggers an anxiety response that overrides everything else. So the work isn’t in how you deliver the demand; it’s in whether you issue it in the first place.

Low-demand parenting wasn’t developed as a parenting philosophy for the general population. It grew specifically out of the PDA community, primarily through the work of people like Dr Casey Ehrlich (At Peace Parents), who recognised that standard approaches, including gentle parenting, simply don’t work for demand-avoidant children and can actively make things worse. Believe me when I tell you that we are not ‘giving in’; low-demand parenting is so tough. You essentially have to relearn how to parent; this is not a choice; it is a necessity!

Strategies That Actually Help — For Both of You

The most useful thing I learnt and would advise immediately to all parents of a PDA child is not to sweat the small stuff. When everything becomes a negotiation, and the smallest task is akin to the Brexit deal (no one really wins, and there’s still a dispute over the terms!), then you quickly realise which battles need to be fought and which don’t.

Negotiable: what socks to wear, eating at the table, cutting the crust of sandwiches.

Non-negotiable: not many – anything that is the difference between being safe and not, or being alive or not.

Look at the outcome and decide which ‘demands’ must be met to get there. Where possible, give your child a choice about the order of these steps, or remove a step entirely if it won’t make a difference to the outcome. Try, where possible, to turn the ‘demand’ into a choice. Obviously, a child has to wear shoes to go to school; that is your outcome, but instead of ‘put your shoes on’, it can be re-framed as ‘which shoes would you like to wear, the black trainers or the grey trainers?’. This gives them the control and autonomy they need, whilst giving you the outcome you require.

Reduce verbal demands as much as possible. For younger children, this can be done using visual charts to guide each step. Turning steps into a game also works well with younger children (we used to regularly play the ‘who can get dressed first’ game on school mornings)

You’re Not Failing — You’re Parenting a Different Operating System

Even after years of parenting my PDA child, I still have those days when nothing seems to go right, and I feel like a failure. Parenting is hard enough, but when you add in that you have to think so hard about every single thing you say to your child. Then add in having to watch them struggle as they try to negotiate a world that their brain isn’t wired for. It’s tough. But that’s the part to remember: their brain is wired differently; they are not being obstinate or choosing to behave as they do. Just as we are not equipped naturally with how to parent a PDA child. When you have your first baby, did you know what you were doing? PDA parenting is simply learning what works for your child.

Research itself acknowledges the gap – future studies have been called for to evaluate mental health outcomes. Alongside associated interventions specifically for parents of PDA children. Systematic evaluation of parenting stress is recognised as warranted in this group. Research is only just catching up to what we have known for years.

It is one of the hardest journeys I’ve been on and can be very lonely and demoralising at times. Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. We are all in this together.

Fay x

These are two books that I found particularly helpful when we began our PDA journey.

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BUY NOW!

1. PubMed Central ︎
2. Osu ︎

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